Sunday Moments……

Another weekend dedicated to endless hours of coaching classes. Endless cups of coffee consumed in futile attempts to stay awake and keep my attention focused on the teaching but i kept falling asleep. Ultimately accepting defeat, I succumbed to my heart and kept stealing glances at Rhys…..  Don’t know about the teaching but atleast I was no longer falling asleep….:-P

Rhys and I could not sit together at the coaching classes as his friends had expressed displeasure over the fact that he spends very less time with them these days. So, he took a seat in front of me with his friends while I had to constantly remind myself not to engage him in any long discussions which might make his friends feel left out, basically keep my hands (metaphorically) off him…… ( a very difficult task, i can assure you……:-P )

However, after 7 hrs of classes we both had had enough. So w began to shuffle our friends around and change the seating, all in the name of good natured leg pulling while trying to somehow trying to end up together. But that was not to be as a friend sat down between us. Thus, after all that effort we still ended up apart. 😦

And then, during the next break a friend suggested bunking the rest of the class to catch a movie and I knew here was our Chance. So Rhys and I rushed out of class and went to “see” the movie. We got horrible seats but who cares….. I was besides Rhys for the first time in two days.  Others would say the movie was good but my attention was focused on Rhys attempts at holding my hand without the others noticing! 🙂

During intermission I got up to get us something to eat and since Rhys has a major sweet tooth, I got us some caramel popcorn and a large coke. But the caramel was horrible and burnt and bitter. I was a bit disappointed but as the movie started again and Rhys held my hand ( hidden from others of course ) all other thoughts went out of my mind and I was just deeply content to be there in that moment of time. Ahh…..Bliss…….I guess I had gone really quiet for Rhys kept wondering what was wrong. lol

As they say, All’s well that ends well….. and this Sunday ended wonderfully!!



Ups and Downs which almost “broke” Nick and Rhys…..

Coming out to my best friend G was a tough job… When Monday ended i was exhausted and went to bed with a heavy heart and upset mind because of all the events of the day ( coming out to G, Nick telling the truth about us to G, and Nick getting upset, sad, emotional and tensed ).. I knew Nick how u felt that night ( your attempts at trying to conceal your feelings by hanging up the phone can work on other people but not on me… Remember this..!!! )

Somehow i passed that night by disturbed sleep and woke up early the next morning on Tuesday… I just got ready in a hurry ( didn’t even felt like grooming myself, so i didn’t shave that day ) and went to college… I met Nick in the morning before he left for the usual classes because i knew he hadn’t had anything since the last night and so i made him eat some food… I could clearly see how much upset he was while he had eating..  He didn’t even look straight into my eyes ( he never did that, instead he had his eyes fixed on me many times even in public ). And he said ” I don’t know what to do.. I am tired of thinking… If we continue seeing each other, it would be disastrous for both of us..”

With this we both left for our classes.. I couldn’t take my mind off what Nick said the whole day… Somehow the day passed and we met in evening for our usual art session… But both of us were too upset to do anything other than solving our problem.. Nick just went to bed and said nothing…. I had never seen Nick so upset n depressed, the way he was on Tuesday evening.. He just buried his face in the pillow and acted like he is sleeping.. I kept on looking at him for sometime… Then he spoke in a very feeble voice ” I don’t want to hurt you… I am coming in between you and G…. So i think the right thing is for you to go to G… I love u a lot but can’t hurt you… And i am clear about one thing.. I will break up with you as soon as my friend ( who he loves a lot, lets call her K ) will get together with me… And then i can’t see you crying”

To this my reaction was ” I too love you a lot Nick… Don’t worry about the future… No one knows whats gonna happen next… Please just continue with this… I won’t cry when u leave me ( there is a reason for it as to why i won’t cry, which will require another post) and won’t let u do that ever… So your concern of hurting me no longer stands… And you are not coming in between me and G…. G is not ready for a relation right now and so even if i break up with you, I can’t start any other relation and plus G is also not ready for it… Just stop worrying about the future….”

After this there was a complete silence in the room, an unbearable silence…. We were still holding each other’s hands… And Nick was still quiet… After nearly 3-5 minutes, Nick said ” lets do it…. I don’t know if we are doing the right thing or not, but i can’t leave you… ” And we hugged each other….

I must confess that it took me a lot of effort to convince Nick, as Nick is a person who usually does what he thinks is right and rarely gets influenced by others… He was upset and so didn’t want to listen to my logical explanations for anything and rejected whatever i was saying right away… I don’t know how i got so much patient while convincing Nick… May be that’s Nick’s love that has changed me…

I just wanna say one thing now… “Nick, We love each other and I have faith in our love…. Whatever happens we will be together….”

Love u always


When It almost Ended: Monday Night……..

Well, it has been a rough couple of days for Rhys and I. And though I really think Rhys should be the one telling about this (he having been clear headed all through this while I was pretty much off my hinges) he insists that I give it a shot. So here goes…..

Rhys has a very close friend ( lets call her G ) who matters a lot to him, but he had not come out to her. G is a very sweet girl and Rhys likes her and values her as a friend ( he used to have a crush on her but that’s another blog entry…….. later someday maybe) so it used to bother him that he hadn’t told her about us. I knew it was important for him and that G is quite understanding, and so I convinced ( pretty much brow-beat) him into coming out to her and despite his many protests, he came out to her on Monday. She was very understanding and supportive about it all but she confessed to Rhys that she had a thing for him. Rhys was very confused with this so he didn’t really respond to that. After he got back to his house, he called me up and told me all about it. I could tell that Rhys was very relieved at having finally come out to G but he still hadn’t told her about us and he let me know that he wanted to. Though I was very apprehensive about the whole thing, I agreed but had this strange impulse to tell her myself.  So I met up with G and told her everything in what must have been an incredibly shocking couple of hours for her.  We had a real heart-to-heart talk and it was very liberating but I could sense a little bit of awkwardness on her part and maybe even a little disappointment. I almost felt as if she was giving up Rhys because of me, and I didn’t want that to happen so I asked her if she would have gotten together with Rhys if I had not been in the picture. She said No, she wasn’t ready for a relation. But I couldn’t shake off this feeling that maybe I was coming in between G and Rhys.

This left me in a terrible state of mind. On one hand I was afraid of losing Rhys , but on the other hand I know that Rhys could find more lasting happiness with G than he would ever find with me. My heart was crying out at the thought of losing Rhys but My mind kept telling me it was the right thing to do.

So torn up was I and I couldn’t tell Rhys for the fear of hurting him. So I kept it to myself and hid all my feelings beneath a mask of rude and gruff manner. When Rhys called to ask me how it went, I acted like a jerk and hung up really soon for I was afraid that he would sense something was wrong and I definitely didn’t want that……

So that was how Monday ended, with me almost decided on breaking up with Rhys weeping silent tears at my own decision……..



U must be wondering why there is no title for this blog entry… The reason is that my mind is blank at the moment…. Its not working.. Coz Nick isn’t here… He has gone to his cousin’s wedding for two days out of town… Its not been complete 24 hours since we both last met but still i m missing him like we last met many years ago…. 😛 So i thought why not write about some of the best days of my life, i.e, Yesterday ( an almost perfect day with all good things happening.. 🙂 )

We went to a friend’s birthday party yesterday…. Nick and I managed to get in the same car so that we could at least see each other whenever we wanted to… When we reached the venue, initially it seemed like just another normal birthday party with drinks and snacks being served and nothing extra ordinary… After nearly half an hour or so, Nick got the DJ started for all of us… The dance party started and we were dancing casually… But somehow Nick and i wanted to dance with each other, in each other’s arms, a close intimate dance… We even managed to get close to each other on the dance floor ( thanks to some of our common guy friends who were having funny ball dance with each other) and we just had a small ballroom dance which lasted for not

 more than 15seconds because the girls were getting irritated by our “scandalous” dance .. 😛 😛

Anyways besides that short ballroom dance, Nick managed to come close to me many times, ( even spanked me at times .. 😀 😛 )  and i loved it…. After that long and exciting great session of dance, we were served dinner, though none of us were hungry enough to eat dinner.. So we resorted to desserts… And i had d sweetest desserts of all times because Nick fed me that ice cream with chocolate brownie, with his hands…

The cherry on the cake was the surprise karaoke session which Nick somehow arranged for us… And luckily NIck and I got the chance of singing a song together… After the party we fell short of cars and so we had to stuff in with one extra person in each car.. It was a golden chance for me and Nick.. We both sat in the same car but because of lack of space ( and our naughtiness too 😛 ) , Nick had to sit in my lap…. I felt so good during the whole time he was on my lap… We both had our fingers interlocked the whole time and we got a chance to cuddle each other at times… Ah Heaven..!!!!!

That was how my day went… Night was still left guys… I decided to stay in hostel last night  ( and didn’t go home)… I went to Nick’s room to sleep over… He decided to watch the movie Shelter…. while i watched the movie, he fell asleep… I finished watching my movie, and then saw Nick sleeping for a while…. Just didn’t want to disturb him… So i also slowly slid inside the blanket, wrapped him in my arms and just got lost in Our world, Of Nick and Rhys, Of dreams, of Love……

I miss u Nick… Though i know u will b back tomorrow ( and i am even chatting with Nick while making this entry… 😀 )



Fool in love…. Even bigger a Fool in life…!!!

This was the only thing on my mind nearly 2 days back after i met Nick that day.. I went to Nick’s room for my usual art lessons in the evening but he had to leave for some work for around 2 hours… So i was all by myself that day during my art “lessons” …. Anyways while we had very little time that day, we were having a casual talk and i just asked him “what type of clothes would suit me..?” I have a family function coming up and being the kind of guy i am who usually prefers taking opinion from friends about various things, i asked Nick also the same thing (obviously my boyfriend’s opinion was mandatory in this case… 😛 ) To which Mr. Arrogant Asshole Nick replied ” whatever u wear, u won’t look any better..” And then he went for his work and left me pissed off at this..

My irritation just went off rapidly (as usual) but i couldn’t help myself from thinking about Nick’s comments all the time i was doing my artwork… I was irritated because Nick always does the same thing “irritates me with his sarcasm and i (being a fool) misinterpret it as if he is trying to show me how useless i am..” By the way i must confess my baseless thoughts that i did feel he was trying to mock me and make me feel i am useless… After 2hours when he returned from his work, he again had to leave for a friend’s party ( Ohhh busy guy Nick…!!!) and i had to leave for home…. So we went on our ways without discussing anything about our previous conversation… Even after reaching home i couldn’t  stop myself from thinking about Nick’s comments…

So i messaged Nick ” why do always do this…??? irritate me…” And to this Nick replied “That’s my way of showing my love…!!!” My reaction to this was an instant Smile on my face.. 🙂

Nick again managed to make a fool out of me ( though he does that every time and even i also fall for it many times…) I really am a fool in this relation called Love…!!!

As for me being a bigger fool in life is completely undeniable by any living being… I am not smart or intelligent like Nick ( Mind it he is really is very smart and knows how to do stuff, and i mean every stuff… 😛 )… I am even a dumb person, in contrast to Nick… he deserves a better person than me… Sometimes i think that its Nature’s way of telling me that i don’t deserve such a loving and caring boy friend, a great friend and a sweet teacher… Or may be i am over analyzing the very trivial events of life and stuffing my tiny litle mind with these “useless” thoughts… 😀

May be I really am  Fool in Life as well…!!!!

Sorry for being a fool, my Nick…



Sleepy Eyes!

A Wednesday like any other. The same boring lecture to begin the day, the same dreary visits to local communities and the biting cold, not a very promising start to the day. Plus these days, Rhys always gets free a couple of hours earlier than me and he usually takes that time to rest in my room and continue his artwork. And then it becomes even more difficult to concentrate on my afternoon class knowing I could be with Rhys instead. So, I dragged my reluctant self to class leaving Rhys alone in my room………      

But then the benevolent God of all wistful thinking smiled upon me and class got over in less than half the time which meant I get to spend an extra hour with my love!!!! YAY!!! Bouncy feet skip towards my room….. and I knock with all the eagerness I was feeling……

After what seemed like an eternity, Rhys opened the door. He had been sleeping and as he stood there blinking in the afternoon sun, his sleepy eyes unfocused I fell in love with him all over again!:-)


He turned and went back to bed and I joined him, cuddled under the blankets and slept the deep sleep of an innocent baby, content in his arms and comforted by his presence ……..



Before I knew Rhys……..

Time for some candid confessions… Today I am in the mood to tell you about my past, about my mistakes, and about my life before I knew Rhys ( and before I was his Nick…. ) So here goes, rewinding almost 6-8 yrs back to a small town somewhere (or maybe anywhere) and zooming in on a thin lanky boy sitting alone on a window seat deep in thought, the wintery sun lending a warm glow to his face……

As a young boy, I would often be found in this state, lost in thought and almost always alone. Not due to lack of friends, indeed I had almost one too many friends. But their activities did not interest me. Never one for sports, I would prefer to read a novel on a tree rather than discuss cricket or football or whatever sport had caught the imagination of my friends. As we grew up, cricket was cast aside as girls became the hot topic of discussion, indeed the world seemed to revolve around the possibility of making a “girlfriend” and still i remained disinterested, for I would find a flaw in every girl and so never ask them out. As a result, I remained the only one in my group ( kinda the A-listers of the school ) whose social life was not announced by every Tom, Dick or Harry. I guess that must have given me a mysterious aura!! 😛

As can be expected, I became the butt of many jokes chiefly about being “feminine” and “gay”. And being the arrogant and head-strong person that I am I decided to act like the most stereotypical gay I could ( please note that I was not sure that I liked guys, just retaliated by acting gay !! ) So started the era of fitted clothes and lots of music and arts and dance and flirty conversation with guys.

One day a guy from my school had come to my house to copy some notes. By and by the idle chit-chat turned to the topic of girls and sex and he began to tell me about his fantasies and his insecurities about his size.( honestly, even i was taken aback at his openness) and even asked me about my size. Very intrigued by then i told him but he didn’t believe me and begged me to show him.My room is a bit separated from the rest of the house and usually no one comes into my room so i agreed. By the end of the hour our clothes were on the floor and we had gone way further than either of us expected ( of course we were kids then so whatever we did was too much by our standards). The thrill of it got me hooked and I knew that I wanted more.

What followed is something that shocks me even today, quite a few rendezvous with guys I barely knew but never the same person twice. In fact all I wanted was to have fun, the thrill of the moment was all that mattered. So I went on and on….. Till one day it was a girl that i found next to me, and it was still the same fun. And this confused me ( by now I had accepted that I was gay and proud of it.)

By now I had passed my school and moved to a big city to join Med School (that’s where I am now) . After moving here, I discovered that a guy I knew from net forums ,etc was also in town. (At one point in the past I had helped him come to terms with being gay and we had remained friends ever since). We got in touch and he took me out to dinner as a thank you for all those times. We met a couple of times after that and he inquired if I was currently with someone. On learning that I was single,  he confessed that he had developed feelings for me and wanted to get together. I clarified that though I had slept with guys before ( and a couple of girls too…) I never had any lasting feeling for any of them and it was just about a physical relation and though I thought he was a very nice guy I wasn’t sure if I could give him any more than I gave them. He said he was fine with a purely physical relationship, and that he could handle me not having any emotional bond with him but he couldn’t handle not being together with me. I guess this should have been my signal to back off before I hurt him, but by then I was too addicted to sex to be able to turn back.


So for 8 months he doted on me and i behaved like a jerk and just used him. It finally got to the point where I began to feel a hollow deep inside me which no amount of frolicking could fill. Sex, though enjoyable, was just not enough anymore and I craved an emotional bond. And the irony was that I had a guy who absolutely adored me but I just couldn’t bring myself to love him in the same way. When I told him this, it broke his heart and he said that he had always hoped that with time I would learn to love him too.



Thus ended my first relationship, leaving me very confused as to why I couldn’t bring myself to love this great guy. I began to question whether I was gay at all…….. I decided that I would never again get into a relation with anyone unless I was absolutely sure I loved them and frankly I thought that was not going to happen…….. Then, Lo and Behold! I met Rhys………


That is my story till I met Rhys