Time for some candid confessions… Today I am in the mood to tell you about my past, about my mistakes, and about my life before I knew Rhys ( and before I was his Nick…. ) So here goes, rewinding almost 6-8 yrs back to a small town somewhere (or maybe anywhere) and zooming in on a thin lanky boy sitting alone on a window seat deep in thought, the wintery sun lending a warm glow to his face……
As a young boy, I would often be found in this state, lost in thought and almost always alone. Not due to lack of friends, indeed I had almost one too many friends. But their activities did not interest me. Never one for sports, I would prefer to read a novel on a tree rather than discuss cricket or football or whatever sport had caught the imagination of my friends. As we grew up, cricket was cast aside as girls became the hot topic of discussion, indeed the world seemed to revolve around the possibility of making a “girlfriend” and still i remained disinterested, for I would find a flaw in every girl and so never ask them out. As a result, I remained the only one in my group ( kinda the A-listers of the school ) whose social life was not announced by every Tom, Dick or Harry. I guess that must have given me a mysterious aura!! 😛
As can be expected, I became the butt of many jokes chiefly about being “feminine” and “gay”. And being the arrogant and head-strong person that I am I decided to act like the most stereotypical gay I could ( please note that I was not sure that I liked guys, just retaliated by acting gay !! ) So started the era of fitted clothes and lots of music and arts and dance and flirty conversation with guys.
One day a guy from my school had come to my house to copy some notes. By and by the idle chit-chat turned to the topic of girls and sex and he began to tell me about his fantasies and his insecurities about his size.( honestly, even i was taken aback at his openness) and even asked me about my size. Very intrigued by then i told him but he didn’t believe me and begged me to show him.My room is a bit separated from the rest of the house and usually no one comes into my room so i agreed. By the end of the hour our clothes were on the floor and we had gone way further than either of us expected ( of course we were kids then so whatever we did was too much by our standards). The thrill of it got me hooked and I knew that I wanted more.
What followed is something that shocks me even today, quite a few rendezvous with guys I barely knew but never the same person twice. In fact all I wanted was to have fun, the thrill of the moment was all that mattered. So I went on and on….. Till one day it was a girl that i found next to me, and it was still the same fun. And this confused me ( by now I had accepted that I was gay and proud of it.)
By now I had passed my school and moved to a big city to join Med School (that’s where I am now) . After moving here, I discovered that a guy I knew from net forums ,etc was also in town. (At one point in the past I had helped him come to terms with being gay and we had remained friends ever since). We got in touch and he took me out to dinner as a thank you for all those times. We met a couple of times after that and he inquired if I was currently with someone. On learning that I was single, he confessed that he had developed feelings for me and wanted to get together. I clarified that though I had slept with guys before ( and a couple of girls too…) I never had any lasting feeling for any of them and it was just about a physical relation and though I thought he was a very nice guy I wasn’t sure if I could give him any more than I gave them. He said he was fine with a purely physical relationship, and that he could handle me not having any emotional bond with him but he couldn’t handle not being together with me. I guess this should have been my signal to back off before I hurt him, but by then I was too addicted to sex to be able to turn back.
So for 8 months he doted on me and i behaved like a jerk and just used him. It finally got to the point where I began to feel a hollow deep inside me which no amount of frolicking could fill. Sex, though enjoyable, was just not enough anymore and I craved an emotional bond. And the irony was that I had a guy who absolutely adored me but I just couldn’t bring myself to love him in the same way. When I told him this, it broke his heart and he said that he had always hoped that with time I would learn to love him too.
Thus ended my first relationship, leaving me very confused as to why I couldn’t bring myself to love this great guy. I began to question whether I was gay at all…….. I decided that I would never again get into a relation with anyone unless I was absolutely sure I loved them and frankly I thought that was not going to happen…….. Then, Lo and Behold! I met Rhys………
That is my story till I met Rhys