Save the Last Dance for me………..

Another break- up ….. Another relation went kapuuut …….

And in case you are wondering, NO its not Rhys and me I am talking about …. A common and very dear friend of ours broke up with his boyfriend.

Their’s was a candle in the wind sorta deal. Whirlwind romance with roses and public declarations of love, names tattooed within a couple of months …. and then fights and hurt feelings …. to one drunken night when our friend got a little too drunk and was falling all over the street but his boyfriend rather than see him home safe and sound just couldn’t wait to go off partying some more ditching our friend to get run over on the road ! So the next day they broke up ….over the phone, no less…..

Just makes me wonder … What exactly goes into a successful relationship ? Why did Rhy and I work out while quite a few relations around us kept crumbling away ?

As I sat pondering these questions, Rhys sends me his love with this song in a text …..

And so I thought….. Screw the reasons…. i’ll just enjoy the moment, the song and my gorgeous darling …… And dance with him !!!

 

Till next time

Love

Nick

 

Ideas Anyone….. ?

Since i have been somewhat down in the dumps over the past few weeks ( and debated a thousand ways to kill myself ) I thought it might not be such a bad idea to go see my counselor. So I made an appointment for Friday afternoon and almost didn’t make it. 

My car, temperamental at the best of times, decided it was too hot for him to budge from the cool shady spot he was parked in and refused to start up. So I was left to the mercy of a taxi with a driver who though it was a good idea to lecture me on the falling moral standards of youth while driving down a busy road and actually turned back to emphasize his point. After several near misses I reached my destination. First order of business – text Rhys to please come pick me up after an hour. I just did not have the nerves to handle another ride in the death-cabs of the city. 

My counselor, sweet girl that she is, once again tried to convince me to see a psychiatrist about getting some anti-depressants but I turned her down. No way am I getting on to medications except as a last resort. So we spent an hour analyzing my situation and how I have managed to  fuck up a perfect life ( my words …. though she disagrees ) and in the end she suggested that I must really force myself to start living my life …. whatever that means.

So no matter how much I wanna stay in my jammies and curl up in bed I must now get up and go shopping, or dining or to the movies. Sounds like a plan, doesn’t it ? 

Except I spent the entire day today in bed ….. again…… 

Oh boy I need some serious inspiration to move out of my room …… Any ideas ? 

The King of Bad Decisions – Coming Out

Its 3 am here and I can’t seem to sleep. A lot of things keeps buzzing around my head, keeping me awake. Maybe if I let some of it out ….Image

In the suite of a swanky hotel at midnight, on an impulse I decided to tell my father I am Gay. And it shattered my life forever…..

He had flown in for a day to attend a conference and we agreed to meet up for dinner after my 12 hour day shift got over. After a pleasant meal, as we sat chatting and catching up on each others news, I felt the sudden urge to tell my father the only secret I have kept from him – ever. So i muster up the courage and tell him that I am gay.

He remains silent for a while and then starts sobbing , hysterically. And here are snippets of what my father tells me that long night – 

” I would rather die than live on with a son like you”

” You have hurt me more than when your mother died, or your step mother left me or when your grandmother died”

“I have no reason to live”

“Why didn’t you die before committing such sins”

” I’ll slash my wrists or put a gun to my head if you don’t stop this sin “

” You are disgusting, perverted ….. you are not my son”

“Society will spit on you for being such a pervert “

” Your achievements mean nothing ….. you are just disgusting”

” You must marry and have kids or i’ll kill myself ” 

 

I came out on an impulse …. A desire to not have to lie to my father anymore……. And now I am living a double life –  maintaining a grand lie that is sapping the energy out of me everyday. Irony can be funny, if it weren’t so painful !

The only thought that is getting me through is that someday years from now, Rhys and I will be together, having our own little circle of family and friends and living the life we want to live. 

Till then 

Hope is all I got 

Will it Get Better ?

I know I have been gone for a really long time ….. and I have finally gathered up the courage to say why. In Dec 2013, the Supreme Court of India re-instated an archaic law that punishes “carnal intercourse against the order of nature” with life imprisonment – in effect referring to gay sex. The public discussion that followed compelled me to be vocal about my support for the LGBTQ community and on an impulse I came out to my father.

 

The repercussions were far from pretty. Not only did he completely reject my sexuality he also threatened to put a bullet through his head if I did not agree to ‘change’ . I finally agreed to see a psychiatrist hoping my father would listen to a professional. And the pysch ended up telling me that it was just a phase and I could get over it if I start hanging around girls.

 

Since then I have been living a double life – Lying to my father about trying to change and hiding every aspect of my relationship. It has driven me to the verge of suicide several times. Lucky for me, I found a therapist who was sympathetic and understanding and helped me a lot . She taught me to distract myself in the moments of extreme darkness and find a vent so that is what i am doing today…. right now…… coz I feel like dying more often than even I dare to admit to myself.

 

The only thought that stops me is that there is a wonderful guy who loves me and I can’t bear to do that to him. And that is what i am trying to repeat to myself until this darkness passes away.

Rhys loves me

And I love him

And I can’t hurt him

I can’t be the reason he has tears

I can’t make him hold my cold body

I can’t break my promise of a lifetime together

I just can’t kill myself

I will NOT allow it

I love Rhys.