Will it Get Better ?

I know I have been gone for a really long time ….. and I have finally gathered up the courage to say why. In Dec 2013, the Supreme Court of India re-instated an archaic law that punishes “carnal intercourse against the order of nature” with life imprisonment – in effect referring to gay sex. The public discussion that followed compelled me to be vocal about my support for the LGBTQ community and on an impulse I came out to my father.


The repercussions were far from pretty. Not only did he completely reject my sexuality he also threatened to put a bullet through his head if I did not agree to ‘change’ . I finally agreed to see a psychiatrist hoping my father would listen to a professional. And the pysch ended up telling me that it was just a phase and I could get over it if I start hanging around girls.


Since then I have been living a double life – Lying to my father about trying to change and hiding every aspect of my relationship. It has driven me to the verge of suicide several times. Lucky for me, I found a therapist who was sympathetic and understanding and helped me a lot . She taught me to distract myself in the moments of extreme darkness and find a vent so that is what i am doing today…. right now…… coz I feel like dying more often than even I dare to admit to myself.


The only thought that stops me is that there is a wonderful guy who loves me and I can’t bear to do that to him. And that is what i am trying to repeat to myself until this darkness passes away.

Rhys loves me

And I love him

And I can’t hurt him

I can’t be the reason he has tears

I can’t make him hold my cold body

I can’t break my promise of a lifetime together

I just can’t kill myself

I will NOT allow it

I love Rhys.


8 thoughts on “Will it Get Better ?

      • It might come to that soon for me too and frankly that would be an improvement from the current “I’ll kill myself if you don’t change” rhetoric my parents are subjecting me to for the past five months.

  1. My Love.. Consider me as your biggest strength.. I will always be at your side…
    I have always tried that you should not have such thoughts, but i guess i have failed at some level.. I will try harder from now on, to make sure that you no longer have these thoughts anymore..

    Love you always

  2. I so admire this candid post, and you have our deepest sympathy and support for your predicament. As I put it in the most recent post on my own blog, we are what we are, God himself made it so and we cannot change it. Others must either accept us, or go their own way and leave us alone. Be truthful to yourselves – both of you – and don’t try to live a heterosexual ‘lie’ just to please others who cannot understand what it means to discover you are gay. Remember that you cannot change the world – nor even just your own country – by your own efforts alone, but you can contribute by not ‘living a lie’. Be yourself as openly as you able, and I know you will have the support of the one you truly love, and who loves you so much. One thing is for certain: you achieve nothing by taking that ultimate step you have written about: ‘they’ will have won, and Rhys will lose everything he loves the most. So think positive. We shall think of you, and worry if you do not keep in touch through this blog – or mine. Good luck and happiness to you both.

  3. Pingback: Attitudes: ‘Highgate 10 : India 0′ – It WILL Get Better | Tony Cavanagh

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