I know I have been gone for a really long time ….. and I have finally gathered up the courage to say why. In Dec 2013, the Supreme Court of India re-instated an archaic law that punishes “carnal intercourse against the order of nature” with life imprisonment – in effect referring to gay sex. The public discussion that followed compelled me to be vocal about my support for the LGBTQ community and on an impulse I came out to my father.
The repercussions were far from pretty. Not only did he completely reject my sexuality he also threatened to put a bullet through his head if I did not agree to ‘change’ . I finally agreed to see a psychiatrist hoping my father would listen to a professional. And the pysch ended up telling me that it was just a phase and I could get over it if I start hanging around girls.
Since then I have been living a double life – Lying to my father about trying to change and hiding every aspect of my relationship. It has driven me to the verge of suicide several times. Lucky for me, I found a therapist who was sympathetic and understanding and helped me a lot . She taught me to distract myself in the moments of extreme darkness and find a vent so that is what i am doing today…. right now…… coz I feel like dying more often than even I dare to admit to myself.
The only thought that stops me is that there is a wonderful guy who loves me and I can’t bear to do that to him. And that is what i am trying to repeat to myself until this darkness passes away.
Rhys loves me
And I love him
And I can’t hurt him
I can’t be the reason he has tears
I can’t make him hold my cold body
I can’t break my promise of a lifetime together
I just can’t kill myself
I will NOT allow it
I love Rhys.