Back after so long

Its been a year long hiatus for me from this blog, and pretty much a lot of things. It has been a difficult year in many different ways but with the new year things started to look up a little. Just praying that the hope lasts !

With Rhys overseas for a while I have been thinking a lot about our lives these past few years, the choices we made and the risks we are taking and today I think I want to sort of start bringing this blog up to date on all the developments of the past year.

So here we go …..

As you’d probably remember we were in Med School when we started this blog. It was a beautiful time to be coming of age coz an archaic law which stigmatized the LGBTQ community had been turned down by the courts which meant we were taking wings just as the chains were broken and boy did we want to soar. Such dreams and expectations, we were naive to believe that it would magically work out and life would be a slow dance till the end.

We couldn’t have been more wrong. A day before my final exam of Med School, the Highest Court of the Land turned back the decision on a technicality which meant that as I walked away from the exam finally earning my title of a Doctor I also walked out knowing I was now to be labelled a criminal for the crime of existing ! It was devastating for me. And that was when I decided it was time for me to come out. Well, you all know how that went.

So there I was, going through a personal emotional hell. I had been so sure that my dad loved me enough to accept me even if he didn’t exactly understand all this. But apparently it was not to be. I was rapidly sinking and clutching at straws. I agreed to see a psychiatrist hoping perhaps he would help my dad see why I needed to live freely. But instead I was told that i was being stubborn and that if i really loved my father I would stop hurting him and lead a ”normal” life. I was broken. In the span of a day I had lost the hope of ever finding acceptance from the only family I had left. I felt betrayed, disappointed at the faith I had in my father. The next few weeks I cant remember clearly. I remember periods of darkness, sleepless nights and his words echoing in my mind day in and day out. I shut myself up. Went about my day playing a part, acting how I thought i was supposed to but deep inside I was being engulfed in this numb pain that JUST WONT GO AWAY. Rhys was there of course ! He tried to help as much as he could but I don’t think I was even ready to let him in. Things got bad enough one day that i woke up with a start realizing that i was just getting ready to slash my wrists. I was so scared at what I was about to do. I desperately started searching for a counselor, a psychiatrist , anyone who could help me. Filled with a urgency that i cant put to words, I started making frantic phone calls trying to get an appointment for that evening and with each refusal I was getting more and more urgent. I guess I was trying to outrun the darkness, scared it would engulf my mind again. And then finally I got an appointment. I was saved by an empty slot in a tiny notebook of a stranger who would turn out to be one of the most influential people in my life at the time.

Reliving this is hard and while I had thought i would power through I cant go on….. I am not gonna edit or re read coz if i don’t publish it right away I don’t thing I can muster up the courage. Maybe I will continue when I find my composure again.

Till then

Nick

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Finally survived the First week in the United States :)

It’s been a long time since I have been here on the blog. My Apologies for that. Work, exams and many other stuff had gotten me busy. I couldn’t even meet Nick for a couple of days or may be weeks in between because of this. And I regret that very much.

So let me first update you about the recent advances in my life. I came to the US few days back, for a couple of months, for doing my clinical rotations at a few hospitals. Worst part is that I had to leave Nick alone back in my home country,and travel all the way alone to US.

I usually get homesick very easily. And thinking about this long lone trip had been giving me goosebumps before I came here. Firstly my travel to US had been a little longer than usual. It took me 25 hours to reach my final destination here in US. But the comfortable flight made the journey smooth.

Now that its been a week since I moved here, I have kind of settled physically. But I still feel that I left my heart back in my home country (this might sound so cliche, but this is the truth). This country is very fast, everyone is running around all the time, I rarely see people sitting down to even eat properly. But I guess that is how the culture is here, and  I will get used to it pretty soon. On the brighter side, the people here are extremely nice ad polite, or that is the kind of people I have been meeting till now. So I have nothing to complain as of now.

The thing where I have noticed the  biggest change is the food. I still am getting used to the food here. Although the dishes and variety offered here is huge, but getting out of my cocoon of home cooked food, to getting used to frozen deli food will take me some time i guess.

Today I went shopping to the supermarket for groceries and stuff. It was the first time I had gone out to market to buy such things IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. And believe me it took me forever to buy the basic supplies for home. I roamed around the complete store and finally after 2 hours, I went to  the billing counter to pay. PHEW !!!

For now this is all I guess. I have to sleep early , so that I can wake up early tomorrow for work.

Till then Love you all, and Love you Nick

Miss you a lot Nick 🙂

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take care