Its been a year long hiatus for me from this blog, and pretty much a lot of things. It has been a difficult year in many different ways but with the new year things started to look up a little. Just praying that the hope lasts !
With Rhys overseas for a while I have been thinking a lot about our lives these past few years, the choices we made and the risks we are taking and today I think I want to sort of start bringing this blog up to date on all the developments of the past year.
So here we go …..
As you’d probably remember we were in Med School when we started this blog. It was a beautiful time to be coming of age coz an archaic law which stigmatized the LGBTQ community had been turned down by the courts which meant we were taking wings just as the chains were broken and boy did we want to soar. Such dreams and expectations, we were naive to believe that it would magically work out and life would be a slow dance till the end.
We couldn’t have been more wrong. A day before my final exam of Med School, the Highest Court of the Land turned back the decision on a technicality which meant that as I walked away from the exam finally earning my title of a Doctor I also walked out knowing I was now to be labelled a criminal for the crime of existing ! It was devastating for me. And that was when I decided it was time for me to come out. Well, you all know how that went.
So there I was, going through a personal emotional hell. I had been so sure that my dad loved me enough to accept me even if he didn’t exactly understand all this. But apparently it was not to be. I was rapidly sinking and clutching at straws. I agreed to see a psychiatrist hoping perhaps he would help my dad see why I needed to live freely. But instead I was told that i was being stubborn and that if i really loved my father I would stop hurting him and lead a ”normal” life. I was broken. In the span of a day I had lost the hope of ever finding acceptance from the only family I had left. I felt betrayed, disappointed at the faith I had in my father. The next few weeks I cant remember clearly. I remember periods of darkness, sleepless nights and his words echoing in my mind day in and day out. I shut myself up. Went about my day playing a part, acting how I thought i was supposed to but deep inside I was being engulfed in this numb pain that JUST WONT GO AWAY. Rhys was there of course ! He tried to help as much as he could but I don’t think I was even ready to let him in. Things got bad enough one day that i woke up with a start realizing that i was just getting ready to slash my wrists. I was so scared at what I was about to do. I desperately started searching for a counselor, a psychiatrist , anyone who could help me. Filled with a urgency that i cant put to words, I started making frantic phone calls trying to get an appointment for that evening and with each refusal I was getting more and more urgent. I guess I was trying to outrun the darkness, scared it would engulf my mind again. And then finally I got an appointment. I was saved by an empty slot in a tiny notebook of a stranger who would turn out to be one of the most influential people in my life at the time.
Reliving this is hard and while I had thought i would power through I cant go on….. I am not gonna edit or re read coz if i don’t publish it right away I don’t thing I can muster up the courage. Maybe I will continue when I find my composure again.