Coming out….. Again ! 

10/24/201815:09

Just a few hours ago, I FaceTimed my brother and his fiancé. I had texted both of them around 2 weeks ago that I wanted to talk to both of them together and was wondering if they could call me next when they are together. I guess they both knew it was coming and had fair idea what I wanted to talk to them about, but they didn’t want to say it.  

So today morning, my would-be sister-in-law texted me she will be meeting my brother for dinner and she will call me when they get a chance. I was busy this whole morning packing for my work trip ti Florida. So I didn’t have time to fell the nervousness or even prepare as to what I was about to say to them. I was thinking about it for a long time and knew that I will be straight forward and direct. So it was literally like ripping the bandaid off in one go.

At around 12.00 noon, I got a video call request from her. I picked up the call and we discussed a bit about their wedding preparations and random topics for first 5 minutes. Then she asked – what’s new? Since I had decided that I will be quick and straight to the point, I came to both of them by saying these lines in one breath – “ I guess you both know what I am about to tell you, but I just want to make it short and quick since we don’t have much time, as I will be reaching the airport soon. I am gay and I have a boyfriend of 7 years! And (to my brother’s fiancé) your brother knows because I came out to him in January when we met for the first time.”

I did it. Literally coming out to my brother and his fiancé in uber on my way to the airport. They both said – okay, fine. Cool. Your Instagram hashtags were very obvious. Apparently, they both had known for a while and even discussed about it but didn’t want to ask me directly. Both of them had a very casual reaction – “Okay. Now what? Are you telling mom and dad? When are gonna tie the know with him?” Those were the first questions I had from them. I guess I wasn’t expecting a very favorable reaction, but people are always unpredictable; and they sure did surprise me!! I reached airport and they had to go as well, so we ended our call but I was so happy and relieved that it went well. Funnily enough, they were more shocked at the fact that I had came out to my brother’s fiancé’s brother when I met him in January this year (for the very first time), rather than my sexual orientation. Haha!

A little background about this story- my brother accidentally found out that I am gay back in 2009 when I was in first hear of med school, but back then he had a very homophobic reaction, that he wanted to out me to our parents (he eventually didn’t, thankfully) and also left the home for around 2 months ro stay away from me and stayed in the dorm for that time. Since then, we never talked about it but I often faced (directly and indirectly) homophobic comments and reactions from him in the past 9 years, which always made me nervous that he might not accept me as who I am. But I guess he changed, maybe it was the positive effect from his fiancé, or maybe he just wanted to support me and realized that I am more than just my sexual orientation.

I guess now I can officially say that I am out to my brother, his fiancé and her brother. So I have some family support. Yayeee!! First step (and a huge one) towards coming out to the family. Coming out is always a scary thing, especially coming from a conservative family when you have faced such backlash in the past when you are accidentally outed.

I am glad that I can now safely go home after thanksgiving for vacation and know that there is some support among my family. 

– From the rainbow sheep of the family (officially now) 🌈💕

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Why is this happening ???

It’s been 15 days since I came back from US. Came back to a place I call home, to my family and friends. Still I cannot feel the void of loneliness going away. A void that started building up inside me when I was living in the States and that has grown so much in the last few months that now it seems like a part of me.

I went to US in September 2015 for my research work. With Nick still in his hometown, it became long distance for us again. To add to this, I went to a pretty small town in US for work, where my social life was pretty much limited. To certain extent may be I was responsible for this isolation. I was a bit apprehensive in meeting new people off the social apps like Grindr or Tinder, and my work place didn’t have like minded people for me to hang out with. But I soon found a cure to this. I started cooking, and later baking. I used to cook local cuisine of my hometown, American desserts, various egg recipes (most interesting being a Middle Eastern dish called Shakshuka).

By the end of my stay in the States, I started baking (for the first time in my life), and I made cakes and cookies. I also made a chocolate fudge cake for Nick when we planned to meet in Chicago for a weekend, which he liked very much (I felt so good and proud when he praised my cake.. Haha ! ).

So coming back to the void, it started getting bigger and bigger for no good reason. But I could still manage it, despite being all alone there by going out all by myself, or by cooking, or by painting. But somehow, since I have returned I haven’t been able to tackle this now-mammoth-sized void..!!!!

Nick is very busy working in States, so we hardly get the time to talk (all thanks to this time difference between east and west !!). Moreover, my so-called social circle comprising of friends is not so available. Most of them are busy with work, and rest are not in town. All this is simply aggravating my feelings of loneliness and that void. I had never thought I would feel so lonely even after coming home, and this plain fact is depressing in itself.

To counter all this, I have joined a few social apps like Tinder to find friends. To my respite, I could at least find a couple of nice people to hang out with, even though I still feel a bit awkward to open myself up to them (I have never met anyone off these social apps, so my apprehensive is quite obvious, isn’t it !! ). Even Nick supports my idea of being on such apps to find a few friends and spend sometime with them. I have also joined a gym recently to keep myself busy, but even that isn’t helping very much. I think I should start painting now, may be that will help me. It has always helped me. So it’s my last hope now.

But why is this happening to me !!!!! I already had my own share of living alone, without a significant social life in the last 6 months. And now I am home, at the place where I have spent a quarter of my life and made so many friends. And still after coming home, all I am doing  is sleeping all through the day and night too…

I am a firm believer of the phrase that “everything happens for a reason”. I do understand the reason for my loneliness in US. It made me strong, and I really grew as a person.

But what’s the reason for this loneliness after returning home……

You have no right to judge me !

Often I come across people who would say this to me in a pathetic pity tone “Oh you are committed.. You don’t know how it feels like to have random sex and hook-ups.” or “You are wasting your youth, your life.” or “Hahaha !! You can never realize the satisfaction in having random meaningless sex” or “You just a committed boring guy.” , and muhc more similar rubbish crap….

I wanna shoot out to all the single men in in the LGBTQ community that being in a relationship isn’t the worst thing in a gay’s life. I love being in a relationship, and I feel lucky to be with a guy who loves me more than anyone.

Yes I am a gay guy without any past hook ups or random one night stands. But I don’t feel that this is something I would regret in my life ever. I am not the kind of guy who can have random meaningless sex with a guy whose name I get to know in the morning after the hangover (and sex) !

No one has a right to judge me by passing such hideous comments on my relationship status, or by pitying me. Just because you cannot handle a relationship or get your shit together, that doesn’t give you any privilege or an upper hand in life to look down upon committed guys like me and say such disgraceful things.

Secondly, another irritating thing I have been hearing recently is that since gays are superficial, I should dress up properly so I can be liked by others based solely on my appearance. I am sorry but I beg to differ guys. I don’t believe that outer superficial appearance is everything. Stop judging a book just by its cover !!!

I do not and cannot bend according to so many stereotypes of the gay community itself that I would lose my identity eventually. We already have a lot of stereotypes of the straight hetero”normal” society. Please do not pressurize the people of your own community by putting up many more such stereotypes.

I just wanted to vent out my anger that has been piling up since a long time, and I had no one to talk to.

Good night folks !

 

Dealing with homesickness and much more….

Hello pretty people

I know it’s been so long since I wrote on our blog. Was occupied with travelling, studies. and application work for residency. And I had to come back to USA for research work at a university hospital in Kentucky (Life of a doctor, I tell you ! ). Finally I am back in US, and well-settled temporarily (or at least, that’s how I assure myself and everyone). Coming to States for the second time all alone was exciting for me initially, but this feeling vanished just few days after I landed here.

It will be a month in USA for me next week. I am glad that I managed through the last 3 weeks without getting home sick for even a single day ( Believe me, its a HUGE achievement for a guy like me). Somehow I have been keeping myself busy with work, setting up the new place, exploring the city (sadly, this small city has nothing much to explore), occasional running sessions, and most important, cooking. Now only work and cooking seem to keep me occupied..

For some unknown reasons, I have been feeling homesick since past 2-3 days. I told you I haven’t been as homesick as I was during my last visit to USA. When I came here 3 weeks back, my research mentor told me that I will get homesick the most in the 3rd or 4th week of my stay here. And it is coming true. That’s so Freaking  !! I wish these weeks of peak homesickness pass away soon.

I have been in constant touch with my boyfriend Nick who is back in my home country, dealing with similar problems, not of homesickness, but of being alone. He has changed his daily routine and biological clock according to my local time (i.e., EST). Isn’t he such a sweet heart to do this. I miss him terribly here. May be living alone has its perks (as everyone says), but not for me. For me, living alone away from my boyfriend, family and friends is tough, and it is tough for Nick also.  I have mentioned all this in last posts as well, but I am proud of myself (and surprised also !!! ) for the fact that I am dealing with all these changes in a more mature way this time, and so is Nick. Talking over phone and Skype, or texting with each other is so comforting for both of us. I always wait for that beep on my phone for Nick’s text.

I am a very social guy, and have always surrounded by people, be it home or work. May be that’s why I am feeling lonely. Hopefully, I will get hold of things soon and not have such feelings. But I can’t say anything for sure.

For now, I have to go for a running session, because soon the weather is going to be pretty harsh, and make it difficult to even walk here.

Miss you Nick !!

Love

Rhys

Finally survived the First week in the United States :)

It’s been a long time since I have been here on the blog. My Apologies for that. Work, exams and many other stuff had gotten me busy. I couldn’t even meet Nick for a couple of days or may be weeks in between because of this. And I regret that very much.

So let me first update you about the recent advances in my life. I came to the US few days back, for a couple of months, for doing my clinical rotations at a few hospitals. Worst part is that I had to leave Nick alone back in my home country,and travel all the way alone to US.

I usually get homesick very easily. And thinking about this long lone trip had been giving me goosebumps before I came here. Firstly my travel to US had been a little longer than usual. It took me 25 hours to reach my final destination here in US. But the comfortable flight made the journey smooth.

Now that its been a week since I moved here, I have kind of settled physically. But I still feel that I left my heart back in my home country (this might sound so cliche, but this is the truth). This country is very fast, everyone is running around all the time, I rarely see people sitting down to even eat properly. But I guess that is how the culture is here, and  I will get used to it pretty soon. On the brighter side, the people here are extremely nice ad polite, or that is the kind of people I have been meeting till now. So I have nothing to complain as of now.

The thing where I have noticed the  biggest change is the food. I still am getting used to the food here. Although the dishes and variety offered here is huge, but getting out of my cocoon of home cooked food, to getting used to frozen deli food will take me some time i guess.

Today I went shopping to the supermarket for groceries and stuff. It was the first time I had gone out to market to buy such things IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. And believe me it took me forever to buy the basic supplies for home. I roamed around the complete store and finally after 2 hours, I went to  the billing counter to pay. PHEW !!!

For now this is all I guess. I have to sleep early , so that I can wake up early tomorrow for work.

Till then Love you all, and Love you Nick

Miss you a lot Nick 🙂

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take care