Why is this happening ???

It’s been 15 days since I came back from US. Came back to a place I call home, to my family and friends. Still I cannot feel the void of loneliness going away. A void that started building up inside me when I was living in the States and that has grown so much in the last few months that now it seems like a part of me.

I went to US in September 2015 for my research work. With Nick still in his hometown, it became long distance for us again. To add to this, I went to a pretty small town in US for work, where my social life was pretty much limited. To certain extent may be I was responsible for this isolation. I was a bit apprehensive in meeting new people off the social apps like Grindr or Tinder, and my work place didn’t have like minded people for me to hang out with. But I soon found a cure to this. I started cooking, and later baking. I used to cook local cuisine of my hometown, American desserts, various egg recipes (most interesting being a Middle Eastern dish called Shakshuka).

By the end of my stay in the States, I started baking (for the first time in my life), and I made cakes and cookies. I also made a chocolate fudge cake for Nick when we planned to meet in Chicago for a weekend, which he liked very much (I felt so good and proud when he praised my cake.. Haha ! ).

So coming back to the void, it started getting bigger and bigger for no good reason. But I could still manage it, despite being all alone there by going out all by myself, or by cooking, or by painting. But somehow, since I have returned I haven’t been able to tackle this now-mammoth-sized void..!!!!

Nick is very busy working in States, so we hardly get the time to talk (all thanks to this time difference between east and west !!). Moreover, my so-called social circle comprising of friends is not so available. Most of them are busy with work, and rest are not in town. All this is simply aggravating my feelings of loneliness and that void. I had never thought I would feel so lonely even after coming home, and this plain fact is depressing in itself.

To counter all this, I have joined a few social apps like Tinder to find friends. To my respite, I could at least find a couple of nice people to hang out with, even though I still feel a bit awkward to open myself up to them (I have never met anyone off these social apps, so my apprehensive is quite obvious, isn’t it !! ). Even Nick supports my idea of being on such apps to find a few friends and spend sometime with them. I have also joined a gym recently to keep myself busy, but even that isn’t helping very much. I think I should start painting now, may be that will help me. It has always helped me. So it’s my last hope now.

But why is this happening to me !!!!! I already had my own share of living alone, without a significant social life in the last 6 months. And now I am home, at the place where I have spent a quarter of my life and made so many friends. And still after coming home, all I am doing  is sleeping all through the day and night too…

I am a firm believer of the phrase that “everything happens for a reason”. I do understand the reason for my loneliness in US. It made me strong, and I really grew as a person.

But what’s the reason for this loneliness after returning home……

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Dealing with homesickness and much more….

Hello pretty people

I know it’s been so long since I wrote on our blog. Was occupied with travelling, studies. and application work for residency. And I had to come back to USA for research work at a university hospital in Kentucky (Life of a doctor, I tell you ! ). Finally I am back in US, and well-settled temporarily (or at least, that’s how I assure myself and everyone). Coming to States for the second time all alone was exciting for me initially, but this feeling vanished just few days after I landed here.

It will be a month in USA for me next week. I am glad that I managed through the last 3 weeks without getting home sick for even a single day ( Believe me, its a HUGE achievement for a guy like me). Somehow I have been keeping myself busy with work, setting up the new place, exploring the city (sadly, this small city has nothing much to explore), occasional running sessions, and most important, cooking. Now only work and cooking seem to keep me occupied..

For some unknown reasons, I have been feeling homesick since past 2-3 days. I told you I haven’t been as homesick as I was during my last visit to USA. When I came here 3 weeks back, my research mentor told me that I will get homesick the most in the 3rd or 4th week of my stay here. And it is coming true. That’s so Freaking  !! I wish these weeks of peak homesickness pass away soon.

I have been in constant touch with my boyfriend Nick who is back in my home country, dealing with similar problems, not of homesickness, but of being alone. He has changed his daily routine and biological clock according to my local time (i.e., EST). Isn’t he such a sweet heart to do this. I miss him terribly here. May be living alone has its perks (as everyone says), but not for me. For me, living alone away from my boyfriend, family and friends is tough, and it is tough for Nick also.  I have mentioned all this in last posts as well, but I am proud of myself (and surprised also !!! ) for the fact that I am dealing with all these changes in a more mature way this time, and so is Nick. Talking over phone and Skype, or texting with each other is so comforting for both of us. I always wait for that beep on my phone for Nick’s text.

I am a very social guy, and have always surrounded by people, be it home or work. May be that’s why I am feeling lonely. Hopefully, I will get hold of things soon and not have such feelings. But I can’t say anything for sure.

For now, I have to go for a running session, because soon the weather is going to be pretty harsh, and make it difficult to even walk here.

Miss you Nick !!

Love

Rhys

Bad Bloggers !

Hello all you lovely peeps,

Well, needless to say, we have been very bad bloggers. Over the last year or so we just haven’t blogged all that much now, have we ? And for that we are so very sorry !

Just a quick update for now.

Rhys and I have graduated Med School and now are officially doctors ! Yay !

Also in other news, Rhys is moving to Kentucky for 6 months starting Sept coz he got accepted at a research position there. And I am so proud of him ! But it means we will be living apart for 6 months 😥  So these days we are spending every moment we can together.

Till next time

Love

Nick

Save the Last Dance for me………..

Another break- up ….. Another relation went kapuuut …….

And in case you are wondering, NO its not Rhys and me I am talking about …. A common and very dear friend of ours broke up with his boyfriend.

Their’s was a candle in the wind sorta deal. Whirlwind romance with roses and public declarations of love, names tattooed within a couple of months …. and then fights and hurt feelings …. to one drunken night when our friend got a little too drunk and was falling all over the street but his boyfriend rather than see him home safe and sound just couldn’t wait to go off partying some more ditching our friend to get run over on the road ! So the next day they broke up ….over the phone, no less…..

Just makes me wonder … What exactly goes into a successful relationship ? Why did Rhy and I work out while quite a few relations around us kept crumbling away ?

As I sat pondering these questions, Rhys sends me his love with this song in a text …..

And so I thought….. Screw the reasons…. i’ll just enjoy the moment, the song and my gorgeous darling …… And dance with him !!!

 

Till next time

Love

Nick

 

“You’re Gay ?! ….. Me Too !……….”

With Finals barely a month away, we haven’t really been getting any time to blog. I have never felt so unprepared as I do now. Well, hopefully I will manage to pass and officially become a Doctor *fingers crossed*

A lot of new developments in the meanwhile. I came out to a cousin recently and it turns out he is GAY TOO !

I mean what are the odds of that ?!  It was a real relief to have someone understand in my own family. He introduced us to his boyfriend who is such a sweetheart!  And Rhys and my cousin just hit it off like long lost friends … It’s uncanny how Rhys always gets along so well with all my friends – One of my best Buds actually prefers to call up Rhys coz apparently I never answer calls or reply to texts !

Anyways my cousin and his Boyfriend have been insisting that we visit them sometime soon but with our exams coming up, there is just no time. And after the exams, I shall be going home while Rhys plans on a trip with his school buds. Wish we could take a trip together like last year but that seems unlikely this year …… Sigh…. So now I am trying to convince my cousin to visit us here . I really hope he does coz I so wanna hang out with him.

Anyways I better get back to studying !

 

Love

Nick

Fighting Homophobia – Change begins with us !

Many of us closeted gays walk a little conscious every day for the fear of being Outed. The worst part of this existence is the inability to actively oppose the instances of homophobia we see around us for the fear of being identified as a queer ourselves. It always made me feel like I was somehow contributing to homophobia and while recently I did privately talk to the friends whom I am out to and let them know when they inadvertently make a homophobic remarks or joke, it just didn’t seem enough.

And while I would like to think that in my own little way I am trying to change the mindset of people around me, I knew deep down that I could do a lot more, be a lot more proactive in my support of equality for all. But I am always afraid, What if I am called a fag ? What if I lose my friends ? What if …….

Bound in my fears I would suffocate in situations like these until such time that I began to keep my distance from anyone who made such jokes. Even when I knew that explaining to them as to why their jokes were hurtful would probably make them realize their mistake, I prefer to quietly walk away and in the process lost a few dear friends.

So as I continue with my one-step-forward-two-step-back approach to fighting homophobia, Hubby Dearest steps up and shows us all how it is done…….

Our college has a DramSoc and Rhys is a part of it ( he is soo  talented ). But the only play they put up is a satire on the famous and infamous students on campus. All in good humour of course. Except that any boy who shows the slightest of feminine traits is ridiculed as being gay . Rhys decided today that he just can’t be a part of this and walked up to the group and just plain out told them that this is Homophobia and he will not have any part with this. And so convincing was he that this group of armchair liberals and closet bigots just could not find fault with his logic and agreed to remove the offensive scenes. Rhys didn’t even have to resort to his threat of walking away from the production all together ( which is what he planned to do if they hadn’t agreed )

Rhys I am just so proud of you. All the while I keep yapping about rights and free speech and the importance of educating people and you simply get up one fine day and just do it. Even though we both know there will be a backlash and a LOOOOOTTT of trash talk about you I want to you know that I have never been prouder to be able to walk alongside you. Love you baby !

One Fine Day Posts , part 2

One fine day, when Rhys and I decided to take a friend of ours to a gay party ( his first ). It was to be our first big party in months, so we were all super psyched. So we dress up , pick up our friend who was supposed to be “studying at a friend’s place all night”  and got going.

Google turns up the most apt images at times !

Turns out the party was at the other end of town, so it was to be a looooong drive but we were all pumped and so time passed quickly. That is, until we came to the last traffic signal before we reach our destination. A car going across broke down right in front of us so we couldn’t move ahead and were stuck at the middle of the intersection as the lights changed and cars began heading  straight at us. Thankfully they veered right and left to avoid hitting us but no one stopped to help the poor guy with his broken down car until I finally got down and had to stop traffic by standing in front of the cars ( felt like the Tienanmen Square Tank Man but with a line of sedans instead ) and then helped push the broken down car out of the way so we could move on and the traffic cleared up! Good deed of the day – check !

We arrived at the party, paid up and entered. It was a beautiful garden restaurant styled on Santorini with beautiful white walls and pebbled walkways.  Rhys and I immediately headed for the nearest empty seats while our friend dragged himself along surely feeling stuck with a boring couple while he had many cute guys glancing over at him. It was quite a while before we realized that our friend must be terribly bored so we went out to the dance floor and tried to shake a leg but truth be told i just wanted to get back to my sofa with Rhys to lean on. But we played the good host and danced till our friend had his fill of hot sweaty bodies gyrating against him before we went out to enjoy the cool night breeze.

Doesn’t this seem better than a party ?! It does to me ……. Something wrong with that ?

So we sat on a bench and reminisced about the parties we used to attend and I realized that somehow I no longer enjoy going to these parties as much as I used to. I would much rather go to a cozy cafe and have a romantic dinner and then drive out for great cup of coffee than spend hours in these crowded, smoke filled rooms with the all too loud music and the smell of beer and sweat making me faint.  No longer do I enjoy the lustful eyes on me as I sway to the music with my arms around Rhys. Even the appreciative glances at pulling off a particularly low dip no longer gets me excited. I guess we have morphed into the cocooned couple!

Am i growing old ? or just growing up ?

Hmm, something to think about !