Why is this happening ???

It’s been 15 days since I came back from US. Came back to a place I call home, to my family and friends. Still I cannot feel the void of loneliness going away. A void that started building up inside me when I was living in the States and that has grown so much in the last few months that now it seems like a part of me.

I went to US in September 2015 for my research work. With Nick still in his hometown, it became long distance for us again. To add to this, I went to a pretty small town in US for work, where my social life was pretty much limited. To certain extent may be I was responsible for this isolation. I was a bit apprehensive in meeting new people off the social apps like Grindr or Tinder, and my work place didn’t have like minded people for me to hang out with. But I soon found a cure to this. I started cooking, and later baking. I used to cook local cuisine of my hometown, American desserts, various egg recipes (most interesting being a Middle Eastern dish called Shakshuka).

By the end of my stay in the States, I started baking (for the first time in my life), and I made cakes and cookies. I also made a chocolate fudge cake for Nick when we planned to meet in Chicago for a weekend, which he liked very much (I felt so good and proud when he praised my cake.. Haha ! ).

So coming back to the void, it started getting bigger and bigger for no good reason. But I could still manage it, despite being all alone there by going out all by myself, or by cooking, or by painting. But somehow, since I have returned I haven’t been able to tackle this now-mammoth-sized void..!!!!

Nick is very busy working in States, so we hardly get the time to talk (all thanks to this time difference between east and west !!). Moreover, my so-called social circle comprising of friends is not so available. Most of them are busy with work, and rest are not in town. All this is simply aggravating my feelings of loneliness and that void. I had never thought I would feel so lonely even after coming home, and this plain fact is depressing in itself.

To counter all this, I have joined a few social apps like Tinder to find friends. To my respite, I could at least find a couple of nice people to hang out with, even though I still feel a bit awkward to open myself up to them (I have never met anyone off these social apps, so my apprehensive is quite obvious, isn’t it !! ). Even Nick supports my idea of being on such apps to find a few friends and spend sometime with them. I have also joined a gym recently to keep myself busy, but even that isn’t helping very much. I think I should start painting now, may be that will help me. It has always helped me. So it’s my last hope now.

But why is this happening to me !!!!! I already had my own share of living alone, without a significant social life in the last 6 months. And now I am home, at the place where I have spent a quarter of my life and made so many friends. And still after coming home, all I am doing  is sleeping all through the day and night too…

I am a firm believer of the phrase that “everything happens for a reason”. I do understand the reason for my loneliness in US. It made me strong, and I really grew as a person.

But what’s the reason for this loneliness after returning home……


Thank you my dear

Thank you my dear

Rhys has been after me to write a blog entry for a couple of days now but I just couldn’t think of words to describe how i feel about him. And since ( they say) a picture is worth a thousand words, i decided to paint this to thank Rhys for the amazing Birthday Surprise.
Just a quick preview for everyone here before I give it to Rhys tomorrow. Let me know if you guys like it ……….

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Sunday Moments……

Another weekend dedicated to endless hours of coaching classes. Endless cups of coffee consumed in futile attempts to stay awake and keep my attention focused on the teaching but i kept falling asleep. Ultimately accepting defeat, I succumbed to my heart and kept stealing glances at Rhys…..  Don’t know about the teaching but atleast I was no longer falling asleep….:-P

Rhys and I could not sit together at the coaching classes as his friends had expressed displeasure over the fact that he spends very less time with them these days. So, he took a seat in front of me with his friends while I had to constantly remind myself not to engage him in any long discussions which might make his friends feel left out, basically keep my hands (metaphorically) off him…… ( a very difficult task, i can assure you……:-P )

However, after 7 hrs of classes we both had had enough. So w began to shuffle our friends around and change the seating, all in the name of good natured leg pulling while trying to somehow trying to end up together. But that was not to be as a friend sat down between us. Thus, after all that effort we still ended up apart. 😦

And then, during the next break a friend suggested bunking the rest of the class to catch a movie and I knew here was our Chance. So Rhys and I rushed out of class and went to “see” the movie. We got horrible seats but who cares….. I was besides Rhys for the first time in two days.  Others would say the movie was good but my attention was focused on Rhys attempts at holding my hand without the others noticing! 🙂

During intermission I got up to get us something to eat and since Rhys has a major sweet tooth, I got us some caramel popcorn and a large coke. But the caramel was horrible and burnt and bitter. I was a bit disappointed but as the movie started again and Rhys held my hand ( hidden from others of course ) all other thoughts went out of my mind and I was just deeply content to be there in that moment of time. Ahh…..Bliss…….I guess I had gone really quiet for Rhys kept wondering what was wrong. lol

As they say, All’s well that ends well….. and this Sunday ended wonderfully!!



How It All Began……

One and a half years back I got the news that some students of my class were organizing salsa classes in the college. And since I love to dance, i enrolled myself for the classes.

Organizing these classes was none other than Rhys.  This is where I remember first talking to Rhys ( though he assures me we had talked before then ….. and it pisses him off that I don’t remember !!) Though he was in my class in college, we had never spoken before. In fact I hadn’t even noticed him before then (Rhys would point out here that I’m an arrogant ass as he already knew about me and had even confessed that he was a fan of my artwork! Apparently I didn’t even acknowledge him then….. 😛 ). For two hours after college, around twelve to sixteen of us would sweat it out on the dance floor trying very hard to not look like a bundle of odd angles and jerky movements. I loved the opportunity to dance and would look forward to these classes but unfortunately the classes did not go on for long. To keep on dancing, my dance partner and I decided to take formal classes in salsa from a dance studio and she thought it would be nice to have some company there so we asked Rhys if he and his partner would like to join the classes with us, but they refused.  It was our common interest in dance that made us friends.

Working for a cultural festival in our college, I was assigned to the tea and snacks station along with Rhys.  Over the course of next three days we worked side by side, catering to the gastronomic needs of the celebrities performing. While he became pretty adept at making tea and pouring juice and stuff, the plating and garnishing was left to me.We became pretty good friends during this time (though of course I had no idea what was to come).

One day, after the festival had ended, I got a strange sms from Rhys saying, ” I am sorry” . Very perplexed, I asked him why he was apologizing to which he replied that he had thought i was gay but now he realized that I am not and he was sorry for making the assumption. I was pretty taken aback at this because though I myself was pretty confused about my preferances at that time (the reason would take up another post about my past )  but i replied that there was nothing to be sorry about and that i was not offended or anything.  So we chatted for a while and I had the strange thought of getting into bed with him ( will clarify in the above mentioned post about my past! ) However staying true to my nature of over-analysing the most insignificant things, I thought that Rhys was straight and also a bit homophobic based on his need to apologise for thinking I was gay as if it were something bad to think about someone…..

That day marked the beginning of a deep friendship marked by a lot of chats over the phone and even more chats over messages……..



P.S.- 1. Subsequently we shall keep posting the rest of the story from becoming friends to becoming lovers! 😉

2. Sorry about being all over the place with the sequence of our story ( starting from the middle and going backwards and forwards at random) we shall number the stories in order after we have posted them all…… till then bear with us and our childish ways of posting!!!