Why is this happening ???

It’s been 15 days since I came back from US. Came back to a place I call home, to my family and friends. Still I cannot feel the void of loneliness going away. A void that started building up inside me when I was living in the States and that has grown so much in the last few months that now it seems like a part of me.

I went to US in September 2015 for my research work. With Nick still in his hometown, it became long distance for us again. To add to this, I went to a pretty small town in US for work, where my social life was pretty much limited. To certain extent may be I was responsible for this isolation. I was a bit apprehensive in meeting new people off the social apps like Grindr or Tinder, and my work place didn’t have like minded people for me to hang out with. But I soon found a cure to this. I started cooking, and later baking. I used to cook local cuisine of my hometown, American desserts, various egg recipes (most interesting being a Middle Eastern dish called Shakshuka).

By the end of my stay in the States, I started baking (for the first time in my life), and I made cakes and cookies. I also made a chocolate fudge cake for Nick when we planned to meet in Chicago for a weekend, which he liked very much (I felt so good and proud when he praised my cake.. Haha ! ).

So coming back to the void, it started getting bigger and bigger for no good reason. But I could still manage it, despite being all alone there by going out all by myself, or by cooking, or by painting. But somehow, since I have returned I haven’t been able to tackle this now-mammoth-sized void..!!!!

Nick is very busy working in States, so we hardly get the time to talk (all thanks to this time difference between east and west !!). Moreover, my so-called social circle comprising of friends is not so available. Most of them are busy with work, and rest are not in town. All this is simply aggravating my feelings of loneliness and that void. I had never thought I would feel so lonely even after coming home, and this plain fact is depressing in itself.

To counter all this, I have joined a few social apps like Tinder to find friends. To my respite, I could at least find a couple of nice people to hang out with, even though I still feel a bit awkward to open myself up to them (I have never met anyone off these social apps, so my apprehensive is quite obvious, isn’t it !! ). Even Nick supports my idea of being on such apps to find a few friends and spend sometime with them. I have also joined a gym recently to keep myself busy, but even that isn’t helping very much. I think I should start painting now, may be that will help me. It has always helped me. So it’s my last hope now.

But why is this happening to me !!!!! I already had my own share of living alone, without a significant social life in the last 6 months. And now I am home, at the place where I have spent a quarter of my life and made so many friends. And still after coming home, all I am doing  is sleeping all through the day and night too…

I am a firm believer of the phrase that “everything happens for a reason”. I do understand the reason for my loneliness in US. It made me strong, and I really grew as a person.

But what’s the reason for this loneliness after returning home……

You have no right to judge me !

Often I come across people who would say this to me in a pathetic pity tone “Oh you are committed.. You don’t know how it feels like to have random sex and hook-ups.” or “You are wasting your youth, your life.” or “Hahaha !! You can never realize the satisfaction in having random meaningless sex” or “You just a committed boring guy.” , and muhc more similar rubbish crap….

I wanna shoot out to all the single men in in the LGBTQ community that being in a relationship isn’t the worst thing in a gay’s life. I love being in a relationship, and I feel lucky to be with a guy who loves me more than anyone.

Yes I am a gay guy without any past hook ups or random one night stands. But I don’t feel that this is something I would regret in my life ever. I am not the kind of guy who can have random meaningless sex with a guy whose name I get to know in the morning after the hangover (and sex) !

No one has a right to judge me by passing such hideous comments on my relationship status, or by pitying me. Just because you cannot handle a relationship or get your shit together, that doesn’t give you any privilege or an upper hand in life to look down upon committed guys like me and say such disgraceful things.

Secondly, another irritating thing I have been hearing recently is that since gays are superficial, I should dress up properly so I can be liked by others based solely on my appearance. I am sorry but I beg to differ guys. I don’t believe that outer superficial appearance is everything. Stop judging a book just by its cover !!!

I do not and cannot bend according to so many stereotypes of the gay community itself that I would lose my identity eventually. We already have a lot of stereotypes of the straight hetero”normal” society. Please do not pressurize the people of your own community by putting up many more such stereotypes.

I just wanted to vent out my anger that has been piling up since a long time, and I had no one to talk to.

Good night folks !

 

Will it Get Better ?

I know I have been gone for a really long time ….. and I have finally gathered up the courage to say why. In Dec 2013, the Supreme Court of India re-instated an archaic law that punishes “carnal intercourse against the order of nature” with life imprisonment – in effect referring to gay sex. The public discussion that followed compelled me to be vocal about my support for the LGBTQ community and on an impulse I came out to my father.

 

The repercussions were far from pretty. Not only did he completely reject my sexuality he also threatened to put a bullet through his head if I did not agree to ‘change’ . I finally agreed to see a psychiatrist hoping my father would listen to a professional. And the pysch ended up telling me that it was just a phase and I could get over it if I start hanging around girls.

 

Since then I have been living a double life – Lying to my father about trying to change and hiding every aspect of my relationship. It has driven me to the verge of suicide several times. Lucky for me, I found a therapist who was sympathetic and understanding and helped me a lot . She taught me to distract myself in the moments of extreme darkness and find a vent so that is what i am doing today…. right now…… coz I feel like dying more often than even I dare to admit to myself.

 

The only thought that stops me is that there is a wonderful guy who loves me and I can’t bear to do that to him. And that is what i am trying to repeat to myself until this darkness passes away.

Rhys loves me

And I love him

And I can’t hurt him

I can’t be the reason he has tears

I can’t make him hold my cold body

I can’t break my promise of a lifetime together

I just can’t kill myself

I will NOT allow it

I love Rhys.

 

Just Another Day

A three hour long flight can be very boring, especially since I hadn’t brought any good books with me. With nothing to read, I decided to write instead…….

Friday, 1st feb-

Ever had one of those days when everything, just about everything seems to go wrong. Well, today was one such day for me . As I had mentioned in my previous post, I was going away for the weekend. But before I left I had hoped to meet Rhys, if even for a couple of minutes. But, as luck would have it, he was running late for college today. So he had to rush straight to his class and I didn’t even catch a glimpse of him. One more reason on my list of “Why I hate early morning classes!” In fact this one goes right to the top of the list, along with “No time for a good morning cuddle and more”. Anyways, I swallowed my anger ( and that was my breakfast today) called a cab and set of for the airport. Usually, with all the traffic, it takes me an hour or so to get to the airport but today

I reached the airport in 25 mins flat. Thanking my stars for the hassle free ride, I went to check in- and realized that I had started thanking prematurely. My flight was delayed by about 3 hours which meant I now had close to 5 hours to kill at the airport. Muttering curses all the way I managed to get through security check ( I guess I was lucky the policeman didn’t think my sweet words were meant for him ) and entered the waiting lounge. And was shocked! Never had I seen the waiting lounge so crowded before. I couldn’t walk more than ten steps without someone bumping into me. And my claustrophobia started acting up – a dream come true, as I am sure you’ll understand ( That was sarcasm in case you missed it !!!!! ) Anyway I managed to grab a chair in a relatively quiet corner- just a couple of toddlers screaming and crying here – and settled down with the only book I had with me – a compilation of question papers ! At least I managed to solve a good number of questions in those 5 hours. The flight finally arrived and I was one of the first people on board, so I could take my time settling down, with my laptop and books arranged exactly where I wanted them. Finally! I was all prepared to just lie back and bear with the flight ( Also hate flights but how else to travel ) So I plugged in some music and closed my eyes and waited and waited and waited…….. The flight did not start. Apparently we were short of passengers, who it seemed just didn’t want to leave the comfort of the waiting lounge. It took the ground grew an hour to locate these lazy bums, get them on board and prepare for take off. By now I had stopped hoping for anything good and just given in to whatever fate had in store for me for this weekend. Even if I hated everything I could at least come back and laugh about it with Rhys later – I reasoned…..
Thus prepared for a horrid time ahead I looked out of the window and was left speechless. The sky was the most vibrant violent with a streak of blood red cutting across it. Colours unmarred by the vestiges of our smoke-choked cities.  Sunset at 35000 feet. Turns out the day was just the a bad prelude for this grand Pièce de résistance – a sight that made the rest of the day fade away in comparison!

 

My Crazy Crazy Thoughts

I seem to have lost it. My mind keeps buzzing with a hundred different thoughts at any given moment and that is driving me nuts. So I decided to jot down here whatever is bothering me hoping that it will help me clear my mind a bit. So here goes……

Last couple of weeks have been crazy as hell. It would seem that both Rhys and I have been playing hard  to get. Which is actually far from the truth. But the more we want to spend time with each other, the more we are forced to be apart. Would have been hilarious had it not been so frustrating.

I had to go home for four days for a cousin’s wedding. And I hated not being able to take Rhys with me.  Anyhow I managed to survive meeting my extended family and came back hoping to find solace in his arms , only to find out that Rhys had to leave town for three days to attend his cousin’s wedding. 😦

He returns tomorrow but I shall be leaving town to spend the weekend with my father. 😦 😦

Is it weird ? This dependence on each others company to keep us happy ?

 

Hey I’m Cold…..

Well its 2 AM…. and there is a certain chill in the air. And obviously that has me looking for something nice to wrap around myself. Alas! Rhys has gone home tonight. Well, I guess i’ll just have to hold the thought till he gets back. Or on second thoughts….better note it down in case I forget……..

Hmm…… Not quite what I had in mind……..

 

Now that is more like it……..

 

Time to get under the covers………

 

And sleep like a baby in his arms !!!

 

Please take note Rhys……. This is what I want ALL winter……

Love

Nick

 

 

 

Meeting the Ex……

No not mine…. I’m not even in touch with my ex(s)……. Tomorrow I am supposed to be meeting up with Rhys ex…Should I be whooping with joy? Should I be jealous? Condescending ? I really don’t know what I’m supposed to be feeling. Hell, I don’t even know what I AM feeling!

 

Rhys has been having exams these past couple of days as a result of which we haven’t had much time together. And he has been STRESSED !! I don’t blame him, the exams are tough. So finally today after the first part of the exam was over I saw him smiling his cute smile for the first time in days. It was great to see his eyes light up once more, I swear I completely melt in his arms whenever he flashes that brilliant smile. Now, naturally I assumed it was because his exams were almost over. But surprise ! surprise ! He texted me to tell me that his ex was gonna be in town tomorrow and they would be meeting up. You could knock me down with a feather, I was that shocked.  

 

A little bit of history is required i guess. The ex in question ( let’s call him B for this post ) was Rhys’s first relationship, and most probably his first love. They broke up after almost a year long relationship and remained friends ever after. I know Rhys adores this friendship and respects B almost like an elder brother, in fact I still feel he never got completely over B. I know B is a very important part of Rhys’s life, but sometimes I feel just a little twinge of envy when I see how Rhys absolutely lights up on receiving a call from B or sulks for days if they have a disagreement.

I swear – That’s how Rhys sulks!!!!

 

This B will be arriving tomorrow. And I am very happy for Rhys for he will be meeting B after a very long time indeed. And when Rhys asked me to come along, I couldn’t refuse. After all I had been wanting to meet B ever since I had seen the effect he has on Rhys but the oppertunity never presented itself. And now when I was going to meet him , I can’t help but feel slightly anxious- won’t it be awkward to be meeting my boyfriend’s ex? AND, won’t it be awkward for B to meet Rhys current boyfriend? Or worse still, will this spoil the day for Rhys ( sure as hell don’t want that)?

 

And that brings me to another problem. I almost feel like I need to get B’s approval at this meet. Is that right?? AND how do I get his approval? Should I go for a sexy, suave formal look ? Or maybe a casual cute- boy – next-door would be more appropriate ( and likely to get me the approval ?)

                                                                                                                       (Or)

 

Begging for some advice here people!!!

 

Love

Nick