Why is this happening ???

It’s been 15 days since I came back from US. Came back to a place I call home, to my family and friends. Still I cannot feel the void of loneliness going away. A void that started building up inside me when I was living in the States and that has grown so much in the last few months that now it seems like a part of me.

I went to US in September 2015 for my research work. With Nick still in his hometown, it became long distance for us again. To add to this, I went to a pretty small town in US for work, where my social life was pretty much limited. To certain extent may be I was responsible for this isolation. I was a bit apprehensive in meeting new people off the social apps like Grindr or Tinder, and my work place didn’t have like minded people for me to hang out with. But I soon found a cure to this. I started cooking, and later baking. I used to cook local cuisine of my hometown, American desserts, various egg recipes (most interesting being a Middle Eastern dish called Shakshuka).

By the end of my stay in the States, I started baking (for the first time in my life), and I made cakes and cookies. I also made a chocolate fudge cake for Nick when we planned to meet in Chicago for a weekend, which he liked very much (I felt so good and proud when he praised my cake.. Haha ! ).

So coming back to the void, it started getting bigger and bigger for no good reason. But I could still manage it, despite being all alone there by going out all by myself, or by cooking, or by painting. But somehow, since I have returned I haven’t been able to tackle this now-mammoth-sized void..!!!!

Nick is very busy working in States, so we hardly get the time to talk (all thanks to this time difference between east and west !!). Moreover, my so-called social circle comprising of friends is not so available. Most of them are busy with work, and rest are not in town. All this is simply aggravating my feelings of loneliness and that void. I had never thought I would feel so lonely even after coming home, and this plain fact is depressing in itself.

To counter all this, I have joined a few social apps like Tinder to find friends. To my respite, I could at least find a couple of nice people to hang out with, even though I still feel a bit awkward to open myself up to them (I have never met anyone off these social apps, so my apprehensive is quite obvious, isn’t it !! ). Even Nick supports my idea of being on such apps to find a few friends and spend sometime with them. I have also joined a gym recently to keep myself busy, but even that isn’t helping very much. I think I should start painting now, may be that will help me. It has always helped me. So it’s my last hope now.

But why is this happening to me !!!!! I already had my own share of living alone, without a significant social life in the last 6 months. And now I am home, at the place where I have spent a quarter of my life and made so many friends. And still after coming home, all I am doing  is sleeping all through the day and night too…

I am a firm believer of the phrase that “everything happens for a reason”. I do understand the reason for my loneliness in US. It made me strong, and I really grew as a person.

But what’s the reason for this loneliness after returning home……

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Anniversary

As the new year started, so did a new chapter in our lives. This is the fifth year that Rhys and I are together as a couple and what a gorgeous time it has been.

When viewed through my eyes, the world has changed in these past four years. So much so, that I can’t seem to remember what it was like before I met Rhys. Every moment of this time is so special that I would not change it for the world. We have both grown up over the years into different people than the ones who started dating all those years ago. And time only brought us closer together, entwining our lives and times into this beautiful pattern that our lives have become.

The better part of last year, we had to spend apart. And no amount of texts or calls would fill the gap that the thousand miles created. So it was with great difficulty that we planned to be together for a weekend and celebrate our anniversary. And that is what we did.

One freezing Friday morning, I landed in Chicago and into melted into Rhys arms. And my first taste of America ? A chocolate fudge cake he had baked for me. Nothing could have made our reunion sweeter. And thus began our weekend in Chicago.

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You have no right to judge me !

Often I come across people who would say this to me in a pathetic pity tone “Oh you are committed.. You don’t know how it feels like to have random sex and hook-ups.” or “You are wasting your youth, your life.” or “Hahaha !! You can never realize the satisfaction in having random meaningless sex” or “You just a committed boring guy.” , and muhc more similar rubbish crap….

I wanna shoot out to all the single men in in the LGBTQ community that being in a relationship isn’t the worst thing in a gay’s life. I love being in a relationship, and I feel lucky to be with a guy who loves me more than anyone.

Yes I am a gay guy without any past hook ups or random one night stands. But I don’t feel that this is something I would regret in my life ever. I am not the kind of guy who can have random meaningless sex with a guy whose name I get to know in the morning after the hangover (and sex) !

No one has a right to judge me by passing such hideous comments on my relationship status, or by pitying me. Just because you cannot handle a relationship or get your shit together, that doesn’t give you any privilege or an upper hand in life to look down upon committed guys like me and say such disgraceful things.

Secondly, another irritating thing I have been hearing recently is that since gays are superficial, I should dress up properly so I can be liked by others based solely on my appearance. I am sorry but I beg to differ guys. I don’t believe that outer superficial appearance is everything. Stop judging a book just by its cover !!!

I do not and cannot bend according to so many stereotypes of the gay community itself that I would lose my identity eventually. We already have a lot of stereotypes of the straight hetero”normal” society. Please do not pressurize the people of your own community by putting up many more such stereotypes.

I just wanted to vent out my anger that has been piling up since a long time, and I had no one to talk to.

Good night folks !

 

Long Distance is tough

Stating the obvious. Long distance is tough. Like really really tough. Barely a month in and I already miss Rhys with a visceral longing I did not even know I could feel. How will I get through the remaining five months?

It is not that I am lonely. It is just that even with company, I feel incomplete. These past few years have had their good time and bad. But through all of it Rhys has been by my side. And now I seem to have forgotten how to be by myself. This past weekend some friends of mine took me to a party ( coz I have been staying cooped up in my room.) It was a lovely venue and ordinarily I would have enjoyed myself, but it just felt weird to be by myself. I felt like an odd bundle of elbows and knees. It just doesn’t feel right to dance with anyone else anymore ( I honestly never thought I would turn down a dance but I guess I was wrong )

Where is my baby ? I can’t dance without him …..

Meanwhile my friends think I am being Mr. Snooty for avoiding them and my family is scared I will get sick from staying in my room day after day. But I see no point in going out because it ends up with me sulking and missing Rhys and offending whichever unlucky soul happens to be with me at the time. So it is youtube binge watching vlogs and a jar of cookies day after day.

Gosh ! I really need to stop feeling sorry for myself. About time I pull myself together.

Maybe tomorrow. Right now I still have my hand in the cookie jar. A few more vlogs to watch. I think I will watch other happy gay couples till I fall asleep.

  • Nick

P.S.- Meanwhile my baby just messages and he is getting Fro-Yo! Oddly enough, I am more excited by this than I have been all week!

A

Work in progress

Rhys is still so far away and the time apart is torture. The time difference makes it all the worse. I don’t know how other couples in long distance relationships manage to keep their sanity coz I have been very nearly driven mad by longing!

Started work on a new painting – Alone.

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A work in progress at the moment…… Acrylic on paper

Trying to channelize all the pain of seperation and vent it out on the paper so it stops gnawing at my heart …..

Be back soon Rhys

Love
Nick

Save the Last Dance for me………..

Another break- up ….. Another relation went kapuuut …….

And in case you are wondering, NO its not Rhys and me I am talking about …. A common and very dear friend of ours broke up with his boyfriend.

Their’s was a candle in the wind sorta deal. Whirlwind romance with roses and public declarations of love, names tattooed within a couple of months …. and then fights and hurt feelings …. to one drunken night when our friend got a little too drunk and was falling all over the street but his boyfriend rather than see him home safe and sound just couldn’t wait to go off partying some more ditching our friend to get run over on the road ! So the next day they broke up ….over the phone, no less…..

Just makes me wonder … What exactly goes into a successful relationship ? Why did Rhy and I work out while quite a few relations around us kept crumbling away ?

As I sat pondering these questions, Rhys sends me his love with this song in a text …..

And so I thought….. Screw the reasons…. i’ll just enjoy the moment, the song and my gorgeous darling …… And dance with him !!!

 

Till next time

Love

Nick

 

One Fine Day Posts ….

The final year of Med School is harder than I ever imagined. Classes and case presentations go into all hours of the night and the books keep getting thicker and thicker till I finally gave up trying to haul them all the way to the Library and have instead started studying in my room. Of course, all this may just be my petty excuse for having disappeared from this blog for quite a while !

 

Quite a lot has been going on these past few months. Hopefully I shall be able to write about them all. In any case, I have forgotten exact dates and sequences in which these ‘events’ occurred, so I resort to the wonderfully ambiguous ‘one fine day’ phrase to help me out ! Here goes the first of the One Fine Day posts …….

One fine day, while the weather was unusually hot for this time of the year;  Rhys and I sat sweating in my room ( from the heat and nothing else , for a change ! 😛 ) discussing lunch options he made a wonderful suggestion – lets have dessert for lunch.  So we drove all of 2 km down to a quaint little market we had never been to before ( and i can’t think of any reason why not, considering we usually head out to the much farther markets ) and tried to find the little cafe which according to our friends, serves the best red velvet cupcakes in town. But this little cafe called Elma’s and Edward’s ( ain’t that cute ) turned out to be a really well hidden secret – or at least that’s what we thought since we drove up and down the street without seeing any signs of it. Stubborn brat that i am, I declared that I will eat only at that cafe and no where else even if it means I have to walk up and down the entire market street- and that’s exactly what Rhys made me do (  Gosh, he is finally getting a hold on how to deal with me……. will he change me into a better man ? I better be careful not to let that happen 😛 ) And I did find the cafe on foot ! Didn’t even have to more than a couple of meters from where Rhys had parked the car . Seems like even lady luck understands that a lazy ass like mine must not be forced to work ……not even by my own stubbornness!

The Holy Grail we were after !!!

It turned out to be the cutest little cafe with round white tables and mismatched chairs. We had a chicken sandwich ( on the chefs recommendation ) and for dessert lunch – Two red velvet cupcakes, one coffee cupcake, one slice of Victoria sponge cake with a filling of strawberries and fresh cream. No, we were not thinking about our waistline ! The food was divine. The grilled sandwich had an extra slice of bread in the centre drenched in olive oil which made the sandwich wonderfully moist. The cupcakes Rhys seemed to enjoy but I thought they were a bit dried out – we both agreed it was a let down from the high expectations we had built up. The Sponge cake however made up for it- it was light, airy, with the right amount of sweetness and the strawberries giving a delightfully fresh fruity contrast to the mellow flavors in the cake!

Sitting in a cozy little cafe and eating great food while I gaze into Rhys pretty face – This is how every lunch should be !!!

The perfect setting !