Coming out….. Again ! 

10/24/201815:09

Just a few hours ago, I FaceTimed my brother and his fiancé. I had texted both of them around 2 weeks ago that I wanted to talk to both of them together and was wondering if they could call me next when they are together. I guess they both knew it was coming and had fair idea what I wanted to talk to them about, but they didn’t want to say it.  

So today morning, my would-be sister-in-law texted me she will be meeting my brother for dinner and she will call me when they get a chance. I was busy this whole morning packing for my work trip ti Florida. So I didn’t have time to fell the nervousness or even prepare as to what I was about to say to them. I was thinking about it for a long time and knew that I will be straight forward and direct. So it was literally like ripping the bandaid off in one go.

At around 12.00 noon, I got a video call request from her. I picked up the call and we discussed a bit about their wedding preparations and random topics for first 5 minutes. Then she asked – what’s new? Since I had decided that I will be quick and straight to the point, I came to both of them by saying these lines in one breath – “ I guess you both know what I am about to tell you, but I just want to make it short and quick since we don’t have much time, as I will be reaching the airport soon. I am gay and I have a boyfriend of 7 years! And (to my brother’s fiancé) your brother knows because I came out to him in January when we met for the first time.”

I did it. Literally coming out to my brother and his fiancé in uber on my way to the airport. They both said – okay, fine. Cool. Your Instagram hashtags were very obvious. Apparently, they both had known for a while and even discussed about it but didn’t want to ask me directly. Both of them had a very casual reaction – “Okay. Now what? Are you telling mom and dad? When are gonna tie the know with him?” Those were the first questions I had from them. I guess I wasn’t expecting a very favorable reaction, but people are always unpredictable; and they sure did surprise me!! I reached airport and they had to go as well, so we ended our call but I was so happy and relieved that it went well. Funnily enough, they were more shocked at the fact that I had came out to my brother’s fiancé’s brother when I met him in January this year (for the very first time), rather than my sexual orientation. Haha!

A little background about this story- my brother accidentally found out that I am gay back in 2009 when I was in first hear of med school, but back then he had a very homophobic reaction, that he wanted to out me to our parents (he eventually didn’t, thankfully) and also left the home for around 2 months ro stay away from me and stayed in the dorm for that time. Since then, we never talked about it but I often faced (directly and indirectly) homophobic comments and reactions from him in the past 9 years, which always made me nervous that he might not accept me as who I am. But I guess he changed, maybe it was the positive effect from his fiancé, or maybe he just wanted to support me and realized that I am more than just my sexual orientation.

I guess now I can officially say that I am out to my brother, his fiancé and her brother. So I have some family support. Yayeee!! First step (and a huge one) towards coming out to the family. Coming out is always a scary thing, especially coming from a conservative family when you have faced such backlash in the past when you are accidentally outed.

I am glad that I can now safely go home after thanksgiving for vacation and know that there is some support among my family. 

– From the rainbow sheep of the family (officially now) 🌈💕

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Opening up

Rhys and I decided to try an open relationship. And boy did we face questions! Mostly from within ourselves, a few from people around us. So let me answer those questions first – No, we weren’t unhappy / bored in the relationship. Yes, we are still very much in love. No, we do not consider it cheating/infidelity since it is a mutually agreed decision.

We have always valued open and honest communication in our relationship. We talk freely and frankly with each other and verbalize our thoughts and wishes without judgement. This allowed us to grow as a couple over the years.

Recently, we started discussing what are the boundaries of our relationship. In the course of that discussion, we came to understand that we don’t necessarily agree to the notion of fidelity being about sexual or physical intimacy. What is important is the feeling of belonging to each other, feeling at home in each other’s company. And that, we decided, should be what defines us.

Sex and sexual intimacy has been a subject of many a discussion for us over the years. We both are sex positive people and have explore our mutual kinks and fetishes, fulfilling sexual fantasizes as they arise. Now, we decided to explore down the path further by opening up our relationship to allow for sexual relations with others in all its forms – NSA hookups, FWB and any other undefined versions of it that may catch our fancy. The only caveat – to always be safe – physically, psychologically and sexually.

To that end, I chose to always inform Rhys about the details of my meetings – locations, timing and arrange a call if he should not hear from me in couple of hours. While I was initially apprehensive that it might be awkward, it really has not been. Here, I must admit I underestimated how progressive Rhys has become on the subject. Made me fall in love with him all the more with how warmly he embraced the concept without trepidation or ambiguous moral hang ups.

Of course, sexual health is a top priority for both of us. We are physicians in training after all. So we always ALWAYS use condoms and get tested for STI regularly. I also decided to start taking PrEP.

Excited to see where this experiment leads us. For now, its adios. We do hope to hear from all of you what are your thoughts about sexual boundaries of a relationship and sex positivity in general.

Checking in

A lot has happened. A lot has changed. And yet much is still the same.

Yes, both Rhys and I moved to USA to pursue both our dream of being better physicians and being together. We are currently living, breathing and thriving in the frigid free air of the east coast. We live about an hour apart, separated by the Hudson, connected by the multitude of bridges and a mutual longing for shared silences.

Quietly celebrated our sixth anniversary, we continue with this beautiful relationship. As we grown as individuals and as a couple, we are questioning, exploring and pushing the boundaries of the social experiment of a relationship. So in coming posts, you may see us explore more varied topics – such as sex positivity, fidelity, polyamory, love and lust – alongside our more regular themes of the daily humdrum of a same -sex relationship. A disclaimer is warranted perhaps – neither of us are experts in social sciences and are musings will be just that, musings of two people going through life, jotting down random thoughts in hopes of telling a coherent story of a life lead.

So, this post is just me checking in to say hello to anyone who is still reading. Adios for now, will return when the urge to write takes over once more.

 

 

Why is this happening ???

It’s been 15 days since I came back from US. Came back to a place I call home, to my family and friends. Still I cannot feel the void of loneliness going away. A void that started building up inside me when I was living in the States and that has grown so much in the last few months that now it seems like a part of me.

I went to US in September 2015 for my research work. With Nick still in his hometown, it became long distance for us again. To add to this, I went to a pretty small town in US for work, where my social life was pretty much limited. To certain extent may be I was responsible for this isolation. I was a bit apprehensive in meeting new people off the social apps like Grindr or Tinder, and my work place didn’t have like minded people for me to hang out with. But I soon found a cure to this. I started cooking, and later baking. I used to cook local cuisine of my hometown, American desserts, various egg recipes (most interesting being a Middle Eastern dish called Shakshuka).

By the end of my stay in the States, I started baking (for the first time in my life), and I made cakes and cookies. I also made a chocolate fudge cake for Nick when we planned to meet in Chicago for a weekend, which he liked very much (I felt so good and proud when he praised my cake.. Haha ! ).

So coming back to the void, it started getting bigger and bigger for no good reason. But I could still manage it, despite being all alone there by going out all by myself, or by cooking, or by painting. But somehow, since I have returned I haven’t been able to tackle this now-mammoth-sized void..!!!!

Nick is very busy working in States, so we hardly get the time to talk (all thanks to this time difference between east and west !!). Moreover, my so-called social circle comprising of friends is not so available. Most of them are busy with work, and rest are not in town. All this is simply aggravating my feelings of loneliness and that void. I had never thought I would feel so lonely even after coming home, and this plain fact is depressing in itself.

To counter all this, I have joined a few social apps like Tinder to find friends. To my respite, I could at least find a couple of nice people to hang out with, even though I still feel a bit awkward to open myself up to them (I have never met anyone off these social apps, so my apprehensive is quite obvious, isn’t it !! ). Even Nick supports my idea of being on such apps to find a few friends and spend sometime with them. I have also joined a gym recently to keep myself busy, but even that isn’t helping very much. I think I should start painting now, may be that will help me. It has always helped me. So it’s my last hope now.

But why is this happening to me !!!!! I already had my own share of living alone, without a significant social life in the last 6 months. And now I am home, at the place where I have spent a quarter of my life and made so many friends. And still after coming home, all I am doing  is sleeping all through the day and night too…

I am a firm believer of the phrase that “everything happens for a reason”. I do understand the reason for my loneliness in US. It made me strong, and I really grew as a person.

But what’s the reason for this loneliness after returning home……

Anniversary

As the new year started, so did a new chapter in our lives. This is the fifth year that Rhys and I are together as a couple and what a gorgeous time it has been.

When viewed through my eyes, the world has changed in these past four years. So much so, that I can’t seem to remember what it was like before I met Rhys. Every moment of this time is so special that I would not change it for the world. We have both grown up over the years into different people than the ones who started dating all those years ago. And time only brought us closer together, entwining our lives and times into this beautiful pattern that our lives have become.

The better part of last year, we had to spend apart. And no amount of texts or calls would fill the gap that the thousand miles created. So it was with great difficulty that we planned to be together for a weekend and celebrate our anniversary. And that is what we did.

One freezing Friday morning, I landed in Chicago and into melted into Rhys arms. And my first taste of America ? A chocolate fudge cake he had baked for me. Nothing could have made our reunion sweeter. And thus began our weekend in Chicago.

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You have no right to judge me !

Often I come across people who would say this to me in a pathetic pity tone “Oh you are committed.. You don’t know how it feels like to have random sex and hook-ups.” or “You are wasting your youth, your life.” or “Hahaha !! You can never realize the satisfaction in having random meaningless sex” or “You just a committed boring guy.” , and muhc more similar rubbish crap….

I wanna shoot out to all the single men in in the LGBTQ community that being in a relationship isn’t the worst thing in a gay’s life. I love being in a relationship, and I feel lucky to be with a guy who loves me more than anyone.

Yes I am a gay guy without any past hook ups or random one night stands. But I don’t feel that this is something I would regret in my life ever. I am not the kind of guy who can have random meaningless sex with a guy whose name I get to know in the morning after the hangover (and sex) !

No one has a right to judge me by passing such hideous comments on my relationship status, or by pitying me. Just because you cannot handle a relationship or get your shit together, that doesn’t give you any privilege or an upper hand in life to look down upon committed guys like me and say such disgraceful things.

Secondly, another irritating thing I have been hearing recently is that since gays are superficial, I should dress up properly so I can be liked by others based solely on my appearance. I am sorry but I beg to differ guys. I don’t believe that outer superficial appearance is everything. Stop judging a book just by its cover !!!

I do not and cannot bend according to so many stereotypes of the gay community itself that I would lose my identity eventually. We already have a lot of stereotypes of the straight hetero”normal” society. Please do not pressurize the people of your own community by putting up many more such stereotypes.

I just wanted to vent out my anger that has been piling up since a long time, and I had no one to talk to.

Good night folks !

 

The YouTube Addiction

It is the holiday season. Time to be with your loved ones. Celebrate in the closeness of a thousand shared memories. And enjoy the gift that is life. Except, Rhys is still in the United States and I at home. And if you didn’t feel the distance before, Boy ! the holiday season sure rubs it in.

So how do I deal with the loneliness you ask ? By binge watching videos on YouTube. Yup, that is right. I just discovered YouTube a few weeks back ( Apparently I lived under a rock until now ). And now I am glued to the screen. And just when I thought I might run out of channels to binge watch, the cutest couple I know posted fresh videos on their channel.

So here is the link to their awesome adventures…….

Nomadic Boys

Go see the world through their eyes.

Here’s wishing them a loving home in every corner of the world that they visit.

Love

Nick