Why is this happening ???

It’s been 15 days since I came back from US. Came back to a place I call home, to my family and friends. Still I cannot feel the void of loneliness going away. A void that started building up inside me when I was living in the States and that has grown so much in the last few months that now it seems like a part of me.

I went to US in September 2015 for my research work. With Nick still in his hometown, it became long distance for us again. To add to this, I went to a pretty small town in US for work, where my social life was pretty much limited. To certain extent may be I was responsible for this isolation. I was a bit apprehensive in meeting new people off the social apps like Grindr or Tinder, and my work place didn’t have like minded people for me to hang out with. But I soon found a cure to this. I started cooking, and later baking. I used to cook local cuisine of my hometown, American desserts, various egg recipes (most interesting being a Middle Eastern dish called Shakshuka).

By the end of my stay in the States, I started baking (for the first time in my life), and I made cakes and cookies. I also made a chocolate fudge cake for Nick when we planned to meet in Chicago for a weekend, which he liked very much (I felt so good and proud when he praised my cake.. Haha ! ).

So coming back to the void, it started getting bigger and bigger for no good reason. But I could still manage it, despite being all alone there by going out all by myself, or by cooking, or by painting. But somehow, since I have returned I haven’t been able to tackle this now-mammoth-sized void..!!!!

Nick is very busy working in States, so we hardly get the time to talk (all thanks to this time difference between east and west !!). Moreover, my so-called social circle comprising of friends is not so available. Most of them are busy with work, and rest are not in town. All this is simply aggravating my feelings of loneliness and that void. I had never thought I would feel so lonely even after coming home, and this plain fact is depressing in itself.

To counter all this, I have joined a few social apps like Tinder to find friends. To my respite, I could at least find a couple of nice people to hang out with, even though I still feel a bit awkward to open myself up to them (I have never met anyone off these social apps, so my apprehensive is quite obvious, isn’t it !! ). Even Nick supports my idea of being on such apps to find a few friends and spend sometime with them. I have also joined a gym recently to keep myself busy, but even that isn’t helping very much. I think I should start painting now, may be that will help me. It has always helped me. So it’s my last hope now.

But why is this happening to me !!!!! I already had my own share of living alone, without a significant social life in the last 6 months. And now I am home, at the place where I have spent a quarter of my life and made so many friends. And still after coming home, all I am doing  is sleeping all through the day and night too…

I am a firm believer of the phrase that “everything happens for a reason”. I do understand the reason for my loneliness in US. It made me strong, and I really grew as a person.

But what’s the reason for this loneliness after returning home……


As the new year started, so did a new chapter in our lives. This is the fifth year that Rhys and I are together as a couple and what a gorgeous time it has been.

When viewed through my eyes, the world has changed in these past four years. So much so, that I can’t seem to remember what it was like before I met Rhys. Every moment of this time is so special that I would not change it for the world. We have both grown up over the years into different people than the ones who started dating all those years ago. And time only brought us closer together, entwining our lives and times into this beautiful pattern that our lives have become.

The better part of last year, we had to spend apart. And no amount of texts or calls would fill the gap that the thousand miles created. So it was with great difficulty that we planned to be together for a weekend and celebrate our anniversary. And that is what we did.

One freezing Friday morning, I landed in Chicago and into melted into Rhys arms. And my first taste of America ? A chocolate fudge cake he had baked for me. Nothing could have made our reunion sweeter. And thus began our weekend in Chicago.


You have no right to judge me !

Often I come across people who would say this to me in a pathetic pity tone “Oh you are committed.. You don’t know how it feels like to have random sex and hook-ups.” or “You are wasting your youth, your life.” or “Hahaha !! You can never realize the satisfaction in having random meaningless sex” or “You just a committed boring guy.” , and muhc more similar rubbish crap….

I wanna shoot out to all the single men in in the LGBTQ community that being in a relationship isn’t the worst thing in a gay’s life. I love being in a relationship, and I feel lucky to be with a guy who loves me more than anyone.

Yes I am a gay guy without any past hook ups or random one night stands. But I don’t feel that this is something I would regret in my life ever. I am not the kind of guy who can have random meaningless sex with a guy whose name I get to know in the morning after the hangover (and sex) !

No one has a right to judge me by passing such hideous comments on my relationship status, or by pitying me. Just because you cannot handle a relationship or get your shit together, that doesn’t give you any privilege or an upper hand in life to look down upon committed guys like me and say such disgraceful things.

Secondly, another irritating thing I have been hearing recently is that since gays are superficial, I should dress up properly so I can be liked by others based solely on my appearance. I am sorry but I beg to differ guys. I don’t believe that outer superficial appearance is everything. Stop judging a book just by its cover !!!

I do not and cannot bend according to so many stereotypes of the gay community itself that I would lose my identity eventually. We already have a lot of stereotypes of the straight hetero”normal” society. Please do not pressurize the people of your own community by putting up many more such stereotypes.

I just wanted to vent out my anger that has been piling up since a long time, and I had no one to talk to.

Good night folks !


The YouTube Addiction

It is the holiday season. Time to be with your loved ones. Celebrate in the closeness of a thousand shared memories. And enjoy the gift that is life. Except, Rhys is still in the United States and I at home. And if you didn’t feel the distance before, Boy ! the holiday season sure rubs it in.

So how do I deal with the loneliness you ask ? By binge watching videos on YouTube. Yup, that is right. I just discovered YouTube a few weeks back ( Apparently I lived under a rock until now ). And now I am glued to the screen. And just when I thought I might run out of channels to binge watch, the cutest couple I know posted fresh videos on their channel.

So here is the link to their awesome adventures…….

Nomadic Boys

Go see the world through their eyes.

Here’s wishing them a loving home in every corner of the world that they visit.



Dealing with homesickness and much more….

Hello pretty people

I know it’s been so long since I wrote on our blog. Was occupied with travelling, studies. and application work for residency. And I had to come back to USA for research work at a university hospital in Kentucky (Life of a doctor, I tell you ! ). Finally I am back in US, and well-settled temporarily (or at least, that’s how I assure myself and everyone). Coming to States for the second time all alone was exciting for me initially, but this feeling vanished just few days after I landed here.

It will be a month in USA for me next week. I am glad that I managed through the last 3 weeks without getting home sick for even a single day ( Believe me, its a HUGE achievement for a guy like me). Somehow I have been keeping myself busy with work, setting up the new place, exploring the city (sadly, this small city has nothing much to explore), occasional running sessions, and most important, cooking. Now only work and cooking seem to keep me occupied..

For some unknown reasons, I have been feeling homesick since past 2-3 days. I told you I haven’t been as homesick as I was during my last visit to USA. When I came here 3 weeks back, my research mentor told me that I will get homesick the most in the 3rd or 4th week of my stay here. And it is coming true. That’s so Freaking  !! I wish these weeks of peak homesickness pass away soon.

I have been in constant touch with my boyfriend Nick who is back in my home country, dealing with similar problems, not of homesickness, but of being alone. He has changed his daily routine and biological clock according to my local time (i.e., EST). Isn’t he such a sweet heart to do this. I miss him terribly here. May be living alone has its perks (as everyone says), but not for me. For me, living alone away from my boyfriend, family and friends is tough, and it is tough for Nick also.  I have mentioned all this in last posts as well, but I am proud of myself (and surprised also !!! ) for the fact that I am dealing with all these changes in a more mature way this time, and so is Nick. Talking over phone and Skype, or texting with each other is so comforting for both of us. I always wait for that beep on my phone for Nick’s text.

I am a very social guy, and have always surrounded by people, be it home or work. May be that’s why I am feeling lonely. Hopefully, I will get hold of things soon and not have such feelings. But I can’t say anything for sure.

For now, I have to go for a running session, because soon the weather is going to be pretty harsh, and make it difficult to even walk here.

Miss you Nick !!



Long Distance is tough

Stating the obvious. Long distance is tough. Like really really tough. Barely a month in and I already miss Rhys with a visceral longing I did not even know I could feel. How will I get through the remaining five months?

It is not that I am lonely. It is just that even with company, I feel incomplete. These past few years have had their good time and bad. But through all of it Rhys has been by my side. And now I seem to have forgotten how to be by myself. This past weekend some friends of mine took me to a party ( coz I have been staying cooped up in my room.) It was a lovely venue and ordinarily I would have enjoyed myself, but it just felt weird to be by myself. I felt like an odd bundle of elbows and knees. It just doesn’t feel right to dance with anyone else anymore ( I honestly never thought I would turn down a dance but I guess I was wrong )

Where is my baby ? I can’t dance without him …..

Meanwhile my friends think I am being Mr. Snooty for avoiding them and my family is scared I will get sick from staying in my room day after day. But I see no point in going out because it ends up with me sulking and missing Rhys and offending whichever unlucky soul happens to be with me at the time. So it is youtube binge watching vlogs and a jar of cookies day after day.

Gosh ! I really need to stop feeling sorry for myself. About time I pull myself together.

Maybe tomorrow. Right now I still have my hand in the cookie jar. A few more vlogs to watch. I think I will watch other happy gay couples till I fall asleep.

  • Nick

P.S.- Meanwhile my baby just messages and he is getting Fro-Yo! Oddly enough, I am more excited by this than I have been all week!


Racist Guy Spoils the Day

So you guys know how Rhys is in Kentucky working on a research project. Well, today was his first day at work and while he was walking down the sidewalk, a shitty excuse of a man (sorry for the language) calls outand start ranting racist comments about Asians. Rhys is very shaken by the incident . And I am fuming.

I just can’t understand why would someone want to go out of their way to be mean. How can people be so hateful?

I need to go and blow off some Steam. Maybe punch a pillow or brake something . Coz I am so angry right now that I can’t even comfort Rhys.

Talk to you all later

Just an appeal PLEASE do not pass comments on strangers . If you don’t have anything nice to say then say nothing coz that is much better than being mean.